I Forgive Myself For Loving You
When I met you, I knew for a fact that we will be really good friends. We despised each other. And that’s how I know friendship should be: I can be gross and despicable, but I know you’d still have me. One of my favorite professors in college used to tell me that in order to love, one should always forgive. I never understood what he meant back then. I would always ask myself why I had to forgive people in order to love them. The question at the back of my mind would always be one of the two: What if they do something that could hurt me for life? Or What if they break my heart?
I broke my heart more than a couple of times, and I pulled myself back up every time. It was not easy the first time, and it never gets easy even after the seventh, the eighth, and well.. I fucking lost count. Sometimes, the thought of loving again makes me cringe and just scares me so much that thinking about it makes me want to just run away from the world and hide. But who am I kidding? I am bound to love anyway, and there’s not a chance that I could get away from it.
We do not choose who we fall in love with. It just happens. I always wonder if you like me, and you never give me the answer. Instead you let me guess. You’d be like… “Will I ever want to watch movies with someone I don’t like?” And I still wonder if you do like me. Sometimes, I know it in my heart that you do like me, and you just can’t admit it yet because it will ruin whatever we have. Sometimes, I think you hate me, and you’re just trying to be polite. Maybe we’re just both scared. But we both know where these things go. Life always gives you something to complain about. And right now, I’m not complaining. I have always tried to avoid love, but here you are… When I think about you, I’d be thinking of rainbows and butterflies and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. When I talk to you, I’d be praying for time to stop, hoping that your laughter could last forever. And it will. When I close my eyes, I’ll hear him laugh at me like you always do. Before I go to sleep, it’s you I pray for. When I see happy faces, it’s you I end up thinking about. And eventually, I gave in. I woke up one day, and I just knew it in my heart that I love you. I’ve been scared of this shit all my life, but right now, all I know is that it’s true. I love you. And I have to forgive myself.
After all these years, I understand what my college professor meant. When we ask ourselves the what if’s that we ask ourselves everyday, we need to learn how to forgive. It’s not every day that people find someone to love. It’s not every day that we see ourselves smiling each time we think of someone who’s not so perfect, but we love anyway. We have to forgive ourselves for giving in. For finally accepting the fact that we are still capable of seeing something good in someone, no matter how hard we try not to. That we are capable of knowing the wrong things about them and loving them anyway. I don’t have that much of a choice now. I just woke up one day and I knew.
I love you. And I forgive myself.