I remember my Religious Studies professor in college. He always ends up teaching the class about love. That love is supposed to be beautiful and magical. That it’s not supposed to be painful. That love is forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and forgiving. I never understood what he meant back then.
I would always ask myself why I need to forgive people in order to love them. The question at the back of my mind would always be what if they do something that could hurt me for life? Or what if they break my heart? Do I still need to forgive them?
I broke my heart a couple of times, and I pulled myself back up. It was not easy the first time, and it never gets easy even after the seventh. Sometimes, the thought of loving again makes me cringe and just scares me so much that thinking about it makes me want to just run away from the world.
But who am I kidding? I am bound to love anyway, and there’s not a chance that I could get away from love.
We do not choose who we fall in love with. It just happens. When you think about him, you’d be thinking of rainbows and butterflies and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. When you talk to him, you’d be praying for time to stop, hoping that his laugh could last forever. And it will. When you close your eyes, you’ll hear him laugh at you like he always does.
Before you go to sleep, it’s him you pray for. When you see happy faces, it’s him you end up thinking about. And eventually, you give in. You will wake up one day, and you will just know it in your heart that you love him. You’ve been scared of this shit all your life, but you know it’s true. You know you love him. And you have to forgive yourself.
I understand my college professor now, after all these years. When we ask ourselves the what if’s that we ask ourselves everyday, we need to learn how to forgive. It’s not every day that people find someone to love. It’s not every day that you see yourself smiling each time you think of someone who’s not so perfect, but you love anyway.
We have to forgive ourselves for giving in. For finally accepting the fact that we are still capable of seeing something good in someone. That we are capable of knowing the wrong things about them and loving them anyway. You don’t have that much of a choice now. Give in to love and just forgive yourself.
I forgive myself now.