I never really thought the day would come that I would have to live without you. I didn’t think the day would come as soon as it did. You were too young to die. There was so much more you were supposed to be here for. There are so many things that you are going to miss. I was not prepared to say goodbye to someone who meant so much to me. I was not ready to have to continue without you. I was the absolute luckiest person in the world to have you in my life, but I am the most unlucky to have to figure out how to move forward without my favorite person.
Heaven gets you. It gets my best friend, my rock. Heaven gets to have the person who was supposed to be there for me no matter what. The person I called about a good test score or went to get coffee with so we could talk for hours. The only person that managed to talk me down when my anxiety consumed me. Heaven gets the one person that I never thought I’d have to learn to live without, and it is so lucky for that. Any person or place that gets to have you is the absolute luckiest in the world.
Most days I deal with your death admirably. Maybe this is how we are destined to be. It seems like just as quickly as you came into my life, you’ve left. Some nights I know you are in a better place and I’m able to sleep. Some nights the anger burns so hot and the tears won’t stop coming. You should be here. Most days, I can hold back the tears and carry on with my day. Most days, I can act like everything is fine, as if you are just one call away still. Most days, I walk around with my chin held high and I can breathe. But for whatever reason, today is not most days.
Today, I’m angry. Today, I am fighting for every breath. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. I can see your smile; I can hear your voice so clearly. I’m reminded that you won’t be there for me to call anymore. There will be no more late-night skype calls, no more summer nights sitting in the bed of your truck. You’re not here and you should be.
You should be here.
I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. I get mad. I hate missing you because I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t be left with feeling as though I’m missing a part of me every single day. I shouldn’t be here writing this. You’re my best friend and I miss you.
Most days, I believe that this was a mistake. It has to be. It’s easier for me to believe it was a mistake than it is for me to deal with the reality of actually losing you. Getting that call and realizing that was the moment where everything changed. That call broke me in ways I will never be able to fix, but I’m trying for you. I want to be strong for you and make you proud.
I’m now forced to live in this world where you don’t. I’m forced to deal with the pain of losing you daily. I know it will get easier, but I don’t know if I want it to. I don’t want to ever forget all the little things. I’m scared to lose pieces of you. You deserved more, and you should be here.
I will miss you forever.