I’m Sorry If I’m Difficult To Love

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember—there are definitely times I handle it better than others. I struggle with managing my emotions and keeping them separated, but it always becomes increasingly more difficult when someone else comes into play with my own.

I try convincing myself that I am better off alone, it’s safer for me and for those around me. No matter how little or much I share, I feel like I am a burden on those around me. I’m naturally a bit of an introvert, but the more time I spend alone lately, the more I start to spiral. I need interaction to distract me from the disruptive, dysfunctional thought processes that come up when I’m alone. I think about whether I will make it to 40, if someone could love me, or even if I should lose weight. I pick myself apart until I’m this broken shell of a human.

I am sorry to the one who loves me. I’m sorry for the many, many doctor visits, nights you are left to help pick up the pieces, and the nights I’m forced to just fall into you. I know this is probably not what you thought you were getting yourself into. I’m sorry if this ends up being too much for you and you think it wasted your time. I never meant to be a burden or to put this weight on you. It wasn’t fair of me.

Once I find love, my mind picks it apart. Coming out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship causes you to question every single move. I’m constantly in fear that it will end because for once I’m genuinely happy. I stay up late telling myself I don’t deserve this and I should just let him go before it breaks my heart. I became so accustomed to cheating, declined calls, and stood-up dates that no matter what I do or he does, I don’t feel good enough. I’m not enough.

I do not want to live my life in fear of losing the people I care about because of this. I don’t want to overthink and break my own heart over a scenario or a past relationship, causing me to push a real love away. In the end, I want to be open to love, to the love I’m in. I want to learn that I can open up without being a burden, that it’s okay to let my walls down, but it’s understandable that they are up. I hate that it’s controlled me for so long, but I also have to remember that it is an illness and that I am not a failure because of my imperfections.

i love ceramics and art history.

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