12 Thoughts That Go Through My Mind When I Use Tinder

1. Every time a ‘Congratulations! You have a new match!’ lights up my screen, I cannot decide if it is a congratulatory moment or an indication of my condemned fate as a single woman.

2. Whenever I check the newest match I’ve made on Tinder, repercussions from my last swiping session, I always wonder to myself, what was I thinking?

3. Whenever I hear one of my guy friends complain about some girl from Tinder that ditched or ghosted them for no apparent reason, I cringe thinking about the guys I’ve ditched. They are probably calling me a bitch to their friends too.

4. Tinder kills me. It eats away at my inextricable standards, and shows me how unrealistic they are. I settle on Tinder, for a fun night to play. Uph! honestly? It’s usually an average night— ok, it’s just company for a lonely night.

5. We all know online dating has levels, but let’s break it down. Tinder users hate being single, but not enough to take serious measures to end the plight of single-hood. OK Cupid is for those of us that are at least serious about dating one person at a time. Match is when you’re ready for a relationship. E-Harmony is the real deal; when you’re down for the whole show like the house, the kids, the car, and the white picket fence.

6. We’re all so goddamn lonely. That’s what Tinder tells me.

7. My profile tells Tinder a lot about me. The first picture says, I am happy with or without you, second picture says, I am down for a fun time, the third says I am into nature and artsy things, and the fourth says, I have friends too.

8. Playing Tinder with your friends feels miserable. It’s like why do they get so many matches? I am sitting here with one match with a guy named Steve who is from nowhere Indiana, has a measly beard that was passable for a hasty swipe right, and is into Pokemon Go, Metallica, and comics.

9. When you’re a black girl on Tinder and a white guy who works in IT starts his message to you with, “Whuz happenin boo…” Unmatch.

10. I wish Tinder included a video of the demeanor, gestures, voice tone, walk, and overall vibes on their profile because gay men and straight women alike know that all of that is 90% of what makes a man attractive to us. It would lessen those dates— you know the ones, where the first 10 minutes you’re stifling incredulous shock and laughter at something like their voice tone sounding like a fucking mouse.

11. Its insufferable when that guy with the well-paid job, wearing a flannel shirt on his main profile picture, has a well-groomed beard, and is a purebred dog owner matches with me and never sends a message. I have too much pride to message him first and say what I want to tell him.  “You’re perfect. I think we should skip drinks, dates, and everything. Let’s get married.”

12. I wouldn’t want it any other way, then for a man to find me attractive for my mind and congeniality– I mean, I’d like to think I am brilliant. Despite my intellect, I keep at least 4-5 “hey beautiful” messages in my inbox. They’re saved for the bad days.