I am that girl. The one who always had her walls too guarded; the one with barricades and locked doors around her heart.
I am that girl. The one who casually sits alone by herself in a room surrounded by lovers enjoying a cup of coffee on a weekend date.
And yes, I am that girl. The one who is unapologetically happy to be sitting on her own at a table set for two.
This isn’t about me fearing commitment. This isn’t about me being soaked up in bitterness. And this isn’t about me spouting my issues with people in a relationship.
This is me decisively setting my priorities right, finding peace in solitude, and freely choosing to remain unbounded. This is me finally understanding which takes primacy over any other matter. This is me choosing Jesus first.
This is me putting one leg forward to make a step towards Jesus, the One who never stopped pursuing my heart, even in moments when I was too occupied with chasing fleeting dreams instead of chasing eternity. This is me surrendering my life to the One who conquered the grave for me, the One who paid it all; the One who never gets tired of calling me worthy even when I fall short of His grace every day.
It took me a while to realize that I am never going to be satisfied with whatever this world throws at me: pleasure, gratification, wealth, honor. Everything is mediocre compared to the love, security, peace, and confidence that the Lord continually graces me with. It took me a while to realize that a world without Jesus profits me nothing, for anything is vanity outside of Him.
It took me a while to understand that this is the season where God is using me to build His kingdom; a season where God is teaching me that I can’t pin my hope on myself, nor anyone. A season of revelation and acknowledging that God is the only solid rock where I can stand my feet upon. A season to depend on His strength; a season to rest my confidence on His shoulders. A season of surrender and trust, and having faith, that even if I can’t see what awaits me at the far end of the tunnel, He already knows.
This is me saying yes to Jesus and no to the world, and to myself. This is me saying, “God use me.” This is me silencing every doubt and turning all background volumes low so I could hear God’s voice when He speaks. This is me allowing God to mold me so I could learn to love well, give unselfishly, and forgive without hesitations. This is me guarding my heart, and choosing to do life alone until I have learned to find satisfaction in the presence of my Savior.
For I long to be pure and free within, unrestricted and passionately devoted to pursuing Jesus. I want to be emptied of all, yet overflow with love for God and His people. I desire to live a life where Jesus glows with radiance within me, to the extent that everyone who encounters me, encounters the comfort and beauty of God’s heart. I want to be known not of what I have accomplished, but by the boldness of my faith. I want to be known for loving Jesus, fearlessly and without reservations.
For I am more than willing to give up everything just to have a taste of heaven. And as long as I know who’s for me, I will never fear the unknown, even if it means enjoying things on my own for a little while. I know that God will reveal a man that will run the race of faith with me when it’s due time. A man with the same understanding that the Lord will always be number one, and should always be on top of everything.
So until then, I’ll keep myself unentangled to anyone, completely to Jesus alone. I’ll keep dancing with God, following His lead, until I master the skill of loving unconditionally, and selflessly, and until He decides to let someone cut in with the same tempo as me.