Nights like this when the moon shines so bright and the cold air of chills me to the bones, keeps me awake. Nights like this when I wrap myself around my blanket while I hug my teddy bear, makes me miss you. Nights like this when thoughts flood my mind and I kept drowning in a million what ifs, makes me remember everything.
As I was preparing myself for sleep, after praying to God, I remembered you. I remember how you hugged me, how you held my hand while you drive, how you kissed me so I would shut up, how I loved you despite of your flaws and how you left me in pieces when you didn’t love me back.
I thought I was over you. I thought I already moved on. It has been weeks since I last twitter-stalked your new girl and I told myself that I have already accepted the fact that you and I will never be together. I told myself that I am now okay and I am feeling better.
But nights like this when I open my Facebook account and see your name in the online list, makes me want to message you and tell you how much I miss you. I go back to my old self who is hopelessly in love with a guy who would never love me back. I go back to the old me who’s excited in even the slightest attention that you give. I instantly become the girl who’s willing to do everything just to make you happy, just to make sure that you will never feel alone, like what I felt.
Nights like this when I’m about to sleep but words only for you come flowing to my mind. I have to get up and get my laptop to write these words or else my heart will be filled with words and nothing but words only for you. I don’t stop to think and my fingers just continuously type words into the once blank document as if my feelings took over my body and I am no longer in control.
Nights like this when the cold suggest that it’s good to have someone by your side, reminds me of how alone I am. The truth is I am comfortable doing things all by myself but when I got lost in the big crowd with no one looking for me, when I watch movies with no one to share my reactions with, when I eat at restaurants and people stare at me, I feel lonely. I feel empty. I feel like there is a void in my heart that only you can fill.
Nights like this when I finish a good book and I have nothing to do, when there’s no school work to occupy me, I ask myself what did I do wrong. I ask myself what is missing from me, why do you have to leave me. Was there something wrong in the way I dress? Did I say something that offended you? Did I come off as too strong for you? I am a smart person. A lot of people tell me that. My university standing and my long list of achievements could vouch for that. But when it comes to you, I feel stupid. I constantly seek answers to these questions only to sleep every night asking the same things.
Nights like this when I read something that perfectly describes you or what I feel, makes me relive all the pain that you have caused me and all the happiness you have brought me. It’s a collection of bittersweet memories, a montage of moments that will either make me smile or cry.
Because nights like this, when I try to give my time and love to another, reminds me that there is only one you in this universe. There is only one you that could make me feel this way.
I hate nights like this. Because at nights like this, I know I am not okay.