1. “Who needs a significant other to grow old with when you can just get Life Alert?” (“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”)
2. On days that I’m feeling adventurous, I’ll make the 15-minute drive to the main library downtown instead of walking to my local branch around the corner. I hop into my car, roll down the windows, and squeal “Road trip!”
3. When I open my bedroom window to let in some late-afternoon fresh air, I feel “outdoorsy” like I’ve just gone on a hike.
4. Hence why I have a Vitamin D deficiency.
5. I get homesick…after being gone from the house for two hours to see my therapist.
6. “Does Starbucks deliver?”
7. I do most of my grocery shopping at my parents’ house.
8. I’m so undersocialized that I’m even rusty when making small talk with cashiers at the actual grocery store.
9. When I do socialize and somebody starts telling me juicy gossip, I get so excited I begin shivering.
10. I find ways to get friends or family members to deliver me food. “Meals on Wheels!” they announce when I open the front door.
11. A customer support agent I’m talking to on the phone says, “You enjoy the rest of your weekend, OK?” I think it’s really sweet of them.
12. When friends invite me to go on vacation, the only reason I even consider joining them is so my presence prevents them from talking shit about me.
13. I want a urinary catheter to spare me from getting out of bed when I need to take a piss.
14. No longer a menial rote daily routine, showering has become a biweekly special occasion. When I look at it this way, I’m convinced that my hygiene regimen has actually evolved.
15. In lieu of sex (which is hard to order in), I watch porn on the Internet (which is not a very productive use of my time). Thus, I’m looking into way to sustain the refractory period when your brain gets a boost in oxytocin post-orgasm. Any tips?
16. As a function of abstinence, I experience actual feelings of guilt after I you-know-what with Henry Cavill in mind (because I’ve just cheated on Andrew Garfield).
17. Similarly, I recently got a sext from a male model. I’m so “out of the game” I had no clue how to respond. It was like receiving a confusing string of emojis. I tried to play along at first, but inevitably my final text in the exchange comes at 9:26 AM the next morning and reads “Sorry! (fell asleep…)”
18. I work in bed so I stack pillows against my headboard for back support. Once, I leaned forward and the top pillow slowly fell and gently slid down my back. For a moment, it felt like someone caressing me. Then it hits me: this was the closest thing to an interpersonal interaction I had experienced in three days.
19. I’ve used the excuse “I’m in LA this weekend attending a funeral” so much that if I weren’t lying LA’s population would have been halved by now.
20. I freak out when the Diet Coke supply in my bedroom runs out, thinking I have to go to the grocery store since my body expects me to mainline that shit. Then I remember I have half a dozen more 2-liter bottles stocked in my garage.