I Might Still Love You, But I Never Want You Back

Guy standing in middle of road
Tim Marshall

The first few months were perfect. We had good laughs. We didn’t have a care in the world as long as we were together. We would fight about silly and petty things and make up before the day even ended. I would make excuses just so I could see you because really, it felt like torture not being able to see you even if it was just for a day. I ignored what everyone was saying about you, about us. You became my world and I thought I was happy with the way things were going.

But see, the thing is, we were never officially together. You never told me you loved me, or maybe you did, once. And I was sure you were pretty drunk then. For others, this would’ve been an obvious sign. We talked about our marriage, our future, but I should’ve known we were never going to have that, at least not together.

People say that you don’t have to be together to be in love with someone. They are absolutely right because that’s exactly what happened. You made me fall so hard that I had no way of getting back up. And I hope you finally realize that, because for so long, you’ve made me believe everything was going right.

Technically, we never broke up because there was never even an ‘us’ in the first place, even though it felt like there was. And we liked to say that that’s what happened, because there was really no other rational explanation for what happened between us. I tried to deny it to myself, until now. I fooled myself so I could be with you long enough for you to get tired of me and leave, because I didn’t have the guts to do that to you. Because no matter how crazy it sounds, I didn’t want to leave you.

But just because I still love you, that doesn’t mean I haven’t changed my mind. I now realize why I finally had to leave, not just because you did but I had to do it for myself. At last, my eyes are finally open. I still miss you and I wish I could say I only miss you sometimes, but if I’m telling the truth I miss you all the time. And I definitely still love you, I am sure of that because I always will. You were not my first heartbreak, but this is definitely the most painful one. But I do know that someday, I will finally tell myself: I forgive you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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