They always say you never forget your first love. I did. When you came, you made me. I didn’t expect for this happen. I’ve been hurt so badly before that I honestly thought I would never be able to recover from it. But I had yet to know your story.
Apparently, you’ve been hurt worse. I was convinced that you’ve never entirely moved on from her and I was right. You’re not willing to try just yet.
I never did believe in fairytales but I also never imagined love to be disastrous. Was it something I did that led me to this very unfortunate situation? Was it something that bad?
But how do I blame you entirely when it’s clear that I wanted to be in this position. That I knew what I was signing up for. What I never knew and probably never will is why I allow myself to be treated like this. Why I actually tolerate this. Why I actually tolerate you.
Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to be told that you’re not ready for anything serious? I’ve been hurt before. I know exactly how it feels to have your heart broken and desperately try to move on. I know exactly how it feels to not have the strength to stand up because your body just wouldn’t let you. I know exactly how it feels to just want to give up on everyone and everything because there was no point holding onto anything anyway. I know how it feels to feel like there is no way out so I wanted to self-destruct. So you see, I have felt your pain. You have no right to ever tell me that I don’t understand you.
So you say you want all of your misery to end. That you want to finally be happy again. You say you’re finally happy with me. Funny the way you show that.
Maybe I was wrong for wanting to fix you and believing that you’d actually love me the way you loved her. Or maybe the way you love her. Because I know you still do.
You’ve been shattered so hard that all the little pieces of you have scattered. You managed to find and pick up only a few. And maybe that’s why I can’t steer clear of you. I cut myself blindly trying to make you whole again. I never really realized the damage I was doing to myself.
You keep denying it to yourself but we both know the truth. You say you’re not ready but maybe you’re just not ready for me and you never will be. Because when she decides she wants you back, we both know you’ll be ready for her.
You always have been. You always will be. You will never fully give yourself to me because some of the pieces when you broke, she took. And I know you don’t want them back.
And maybe I understand now. She’s your first love. I’m not enough to make you forget. And I’m just not enough to make it your last. But one thing is for sure, I really did try.