There’s a reason they say that the past is the past. What’s done is done and there’s just nothing we can do about it. We have no choice but to accept it because we can’t go back in time to change whatever happened. And maybe that’s what makes it so scary.
For most people, what they fear is the future. The uncertainty of life makes it so unbearable. So how come I fear the past when I can no longer go back and have a future to look forward to? I fear my past simply because I still live in it. They say that pain changes people and that’s exactly how I came to be this way.
There was so much pain in my past. There are people who could so easily move on and I was never one of them. I find it so hard to detach from the people I shared even just a few moments with. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I held on too tightly to the people who have hurt me. Maybe I believed in them so much when clearly, I shouldn’t have. Maybe my hopes were too high that I let everyone disappoint me and let them in again just so they could let me down all over again. And maybe I was fine with that; and maybe, I still am.
I never realized that maybe it could’ve been me that was the problem. Maybe I was always the person who was trying to fix everyone. I was always the person who tried to understand. I was always the person who tried to walk away but couldn’t because maybe I didn’t really want to, or, or, maybe, because I thought I was in control and I thought I had it in me to change people. I was wrong.
It triggers me to just look back and think about everything that had happened before. It pains me to have seen myself suffer the way I did. But what’s even more painful is that I don’t think I’ve recovered just yet, and I don’t think I’m ever going to. I feel like everyone else has moved on with their lives and here I am still stuck with the things I know I could never change.
I may never be able to let go of my past. I may never be able to let go of all the pain. But maybe someday, I will be willing to try. Try to move on with my life. Try to not be afraid of admitting to myself that I’ve been hurt badly before and there’s really not much I can do about it. And try to give myself the chance to finally find the happiness I deserve. I know it’ll be worth the shot. Someday.