Maybe This Is Why I’m Scared Of Love

I see people getting married by the age of 24. By the age of 18 they’ve already had 3 to 4 ex boyfriends/girlfriends and some even had more. By the age of 20, they were already planning for their wedding day, how many kids they wanted to have, and everything about being with the person they loved for the rest of their lives.

When you are in your 20’s, you hurry yourself with love and commitments. We’re no longer looking for a puppy love kind of relationship; as we grow older, we seek more serious relationships. We see love in different perspective, now. And our past relationships were just a part of discovering love. Just a part of the game.

I see also people getting shattered with false hope. Getting hurt by being ghosted or being left alone by someone they thought would stay with them forever after giving everything to them. I see people raising their daughters or sons alone. Because they thought the one who they had sex with would be there forever; they thought that surrendering their flesh and making love was okay because they loved each other. This is valid, yes, because our bodies need this, our bodies crave this. But how do you know who is worthy of giving yourself to? How do you know that they’re the one who will stay with you for the rest of your life?

How will you know, if it’s worthy? You just don’t know. Because love will always blind you from what’s right and wrong. It will eat you and sometimes destroy you.

How will you know if they are the one? Again, you just don’t know. Because when love strikes, you will always assume that they will be the one. We always believe in love, and we put our trust in it. That’s why we always feel miserable when things don’t work out.

When we talk about love, there will be always happiness and sadness. These two will always be there. These two are the Ying and Yang of love. We will never know the true value of happiness without getting sad or getting hurt and same goes with sadness. And the rest of the world is willing to do everything just to achieve the happiness they want for the rest of their lives; that’s why you see a lot of people disappointed or sad when they fail to achieve it.

The journey to find happiness will always be bumpy and rough. We must first fail to experience happiness. We need to be broken, first, to feel complete. There will be sunshine after the long stormy days.

That’s why I’m sitting here in the corner thinking of my friends; some of them will be mothers soon, some of them are now fathers, some of them are starting to build their own families. And most of my friends are already taken. I wonder why I’m still single at the age of 24. Why I’m still not ready for any commitments. Why I’m not dating anyone. Why I always find myself alone.

Is it because I see everyone getting miserable with love? Is it because I don’t know if I can handle the heartbreak that I must experience before getting the right one for me? Or is it just me being selfish?

Growing up, I’ve learned that love is what connects us. That a world without love will be useless and boring. That people multiply with love. That out of love we can build our own heaven. That the reason why we are here is because of love. The reason that God created this planet is because of love. That love is the universal language; we don’t need to speak, we only need to feel.

I wonder why I’m so afraid of getting my heart shattered by someone. Maybe because I’ve witness the after effect of love with the people who want only to be loved more than anything else.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be included with everyone who fails to stand up again and end their lives because they experienced brutality in love. That they keep on ignoring the reality while falling deeply in love with the person they thought who will feel the same way.

Maybe because I can see more negativity than positivity in love. That most people fail to see. Because when we fall in love, we see ourselves being in the fairytale story, were you are both in a magical world. And that’s why when reality takes away all this fantasies from you, you find yourself drowning with the realities.

That’s why I’m wondering why. Why some people choose to be alone than to have someone by their side. Why they choose to just shut up rather than spill out the words they want to speak.

I guess I believe my fear comes from seeing people getting hurt because of love. That we hurt because we love. That some get rejected without getting loved.

I fear getting into relationship because until now, I still feel rejected. I feel rejected without getting rejected. We feel rejection by the way you look at the person, how you treat them and by how you speak to them. I’m scared of love because every time I try to let someone in, they choose to walk away. Because every time I open a conversation, they choose to close off instead of open. Because every time I try to give someone my heart, they choose to hurt me.