It has been 1 year and 2 months since you decided to break my heart. 1 year and 2 months of remembering and trying to figure out why we ended our love story and you taking the authority away from me to call you mine. 1 year and 2 months of rebuilding my once perfect and beautiful heart.
You drastically changed my life and that’s why it’s so hard for me to move on from being the prince in your life. Now I’m just a slave to our past.
Gone are the days when we dreamed about building our own castle at the peak of the mountain we once climbed. You were my princess and I was your prince. We ruled our kingdom together and we loved each other. And the people surrounding us believed that the stars aligned perfectly for us. That your hands were made to fit mine. That our universes were made identical. I believed that it was something beautiful that happened in my life. And I now believe that it’s water under the bridge that we cannot hide from, nor forget–the fact that you decided to destroy our kingdom and leave me here all alone.
Why did you turn out to be the black hole sipping the only light in my life?
There are nights when it rains inside my bedroom. When thunderstorms and lightning are the only companion I have to overcome the sadness of the night. I still wake up in the middle of the night with the thought of you sleeping next to me. And when the morning comes, I still long for your lost face and your crooked smile. And I miss how your coffee would taste and the smell of flowers being the centerpiece of the table. It was wonderful and mesmerizing each morning with you.
But you’re gone now.
I told myself that it was time to get up and brush the sadness away. I already reached the ground and the only way to get out of here was to stand up. Go up and face the world with my broken heart. It was time to accept what reality is telling me. So I decided to move on, to accept the fact that there will be no more princess and prince living inside the castle we once dreamed. That our kingdom is long gone.
And then you came back.
I got a message coming from you telling me that you miss me and begging for me to return to you. That we could fix everything; that everything will work out this time.
Love, I’m already okay with my life. I already told myself to move on and I’m already fine. It has been 1 year and 2 months of grieving your loss. Then you woke up one Tuesday morning, trying to convince me to come back to you. That our universe is still alive. That this time it will be perfect and beautiful. That you’re different and everything will work out now that you’re here.
I wanted to believe in you.
But I also wanted to scream and tell you everything that I’ve been through throughout the year. I wanted to yell all the “Fuck You’s” out that I have inside my head, the “I still love yous” in my heart. But it’s too much, Love. It’s too much.
I’m drowning in the randomness of love and hatred I feel when you decided to come back. The randomness of feelings when I finally received the message that I wish you could have said to me in the days when I was miserable and jaded. I’m drowning in the infinite numbers of 1’s and 0’s behind all the letters I see in my screen.
It’s unfair. Because with an easy “Please come back to me,” I lose the battle again.
I’m drowning. And I know it’s only you who can save me. That’s why I’m willing to give you a second chance because it’s you who I loved so much. It’s you who touched my soul deeply and who I offer my mornings and evenings, who brought the sunrise and the sunset of each day in my life.
It’s you who I will always offer my heart even though you broke it a thousand times.
This time, please prove to me that you’re worthy of the risk that I’m taking. Please prove to me that you’re different now. Let us burn the fire again we once have inside our chests.
I know people will call me stupid for this. But Love, I can still see the truth in your lonely eyes. I can see the long lost stars in the corner of your eyes – you know that the stars are my weakness. I see the boundless hopes of wanting me back into your life and that’s why I’m coming back to you.
I’ll put down the walls again for you.
Come and let’s be the stars in our own universe.