I Accidentally Watched Porn With My Grandparents And I’m Dying Of Embarrassment

My grandparents are very religious people. In fact, most of my extended family are very religious people. The kind of people who make their church friends their life friends, and don’t just spend a few hours at church every Sunday, but rather, most of their free time doing church-related things. In my mother’s family, being “saved” is of utmost importance. I don’t live my life in alignment with their religious views, but we try our best to set our differences aside and find common ground, because we’re family and we love each other.
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A few weeks ago, I was visiting my nana and papa. It just so happened that the day I went up to see them, someone had hit my Nana’s car at her work, and driven off without so much as a note with their insurance info or an apology. A good samaritan saw this jerkoff hit my Nana’s Lincoln, and decided to call the police. Nana made it very clear to me that since this person drove off, they actually made more trouble for themselves than they would have if they had gone in to admit their fault, because she wouldn’t have bothered filing a police report. After all, the damage to her car was no more than a ding. Nonetheless, the police got involved, and Nana was informed that she could access the accident report online.

That night after dinner, Nana wanted to see if she could find the police report on the website the officer had written down for her, and enlisted my help. At this point, I should probably mention that my grandparents are in their 80s, and most of their adventures on the internet take place with the guidance of younger family members (me, my aunts, or my cousins). Beyond Facebook and-email, the finer points of the internet are, to put it plainly, lost on them, and that’s just how it is. (Papa barely wants anything to do with the computer.)

Naturally, I agreed to help with the task of finding her police report so she could print it and have a hard copy. Nana sat down at her laptop, Papa sat down on the couch behind her, and I sat on a chair just behind Nana, to her right. Everyone had a full view of the screen. Nana struggled to type in the URL and get the page to load, quickly becoming frustrated and complaining about all the problems the laptop had been giving her lately. Part of me thought that Nana was just having a hard time because she wasn’t typing in the full URL, and she kept accidentally clicking on the Facebook URL her browser was suggesting.

After a lot of hemming and hawing, we were finally on the page that was supposed to grant us access to the accident report. As Nana was providing all of the necessary information, I noticed something horrifying. At the top of the page, there was a Brazzers ad. Not just any Brazzers ad, a banner. I’m sure you’ve already concluded that this banner was a GIF. If so, you’re 150% correct. Right before my eyes, there was a big-breasted lady getting fucked doggy style by some dude in a suit, over and over again, on infinite repeat, with the words “YOUR DADDY CAN’T HELP YOU NOW” in the lower right hand corner. I watched in horror, certain that Nana was too busy trying to type in the report ID correctly to notice, but unsure if Papa had taken note of the fornication happening before our eyes (did I mention that my grandparents are born-again Christians?). I PRAYED that it would go away, but no. Nana went to another page on the site, and yet another porn GIF banner popped up. This time, it was even worse. A girl getting her asshole licked. Some nasty motherfucker pushing her g-string aside, and going for it on her bleached asshole.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. I mean, who does this sort of thing even happen to? Of course it had to fucking be me. As I was sitting there, trying to figure out exactly what the actual fuck to do about this situation, Papa addressed the elephant dong in the room. “How do you get rid of that nasty thing at the top of the screen?”

Nana didn’t know what he was talking about. It didn’t take long for her to figure it out. I was horrified. She began to move her mouse towards the banner ad, and I shouted, “DON’T CLICK ON IT!” to which Nana retorted, “well I’m not going to click on it, but I just want to get rid of it!”

We all spent some time discussing how “nasty” this ad was (although I think I was the most traumatized), and after all of that effort, Nana’s accident report wasn’t even available yet. Before I went home that night, I ran a virus scan for them. On my way home, I prayed for my sins and hoped to sweet baby Jesus that I would never have to endure anything even close to the experience of seeing porn with my grandparents. TC mark

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