Confession: I Don’t Like Babies

The other day, someone told me, “I don’t think you like kids.” I’m not gonna lie, this kind of hurt my feelings. Normally, I could care less what people think about me but being labeled a “baby hater” kind of stung. I thought long and hard about this statement, and I decided it’s not completely true. It’s not that I don’t like kids, it’s that I don’t like babies. I know how that sounds, but bear with me.

Let’s face it, kids are better than babies. This isn’t a debate. We all know it’s true; everyone’s just afraid to say it, so I’ve said it for you. Kids > Babies! This is a fact. But why? Why are kids so awesome and babies so “meh?” Well, I’ve come up with a few reasons.

Not All Babies Are Likeable

I think we can all agree that not all people are likeable, right? Breaking news: babies are little people! I know babies are pretty much a blank slate, but like people, they all have their own unique personalities. Yet, we have this unspoken belief that all babies are created equal. Well, they’re not. Like their full-grown counterparts, some babies are jerks.

I’m sure there are more than a few babies in this world that don’t like me either. I’m not losing any sleep over it, I can tell you that much. I’ve got more important things to worry about than trying to impress a bunch of stranger babies. Who died and made babies the kings and queens of the world?

Babies Are Disgusting and Inconsiderate

I was on the train the other day when I saw this baby/child sneeze. In the aftermath, what can I say about this child’s face that hasn’t already been said about the destruction left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina?! It looked like Hurricane Snot & Boogers swept across this child’s face leaving a path of unspeakable annihilation. Without missing a beat, mom reached over and wiped her child’s face clean…with her bare hands! On everything I love, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

THAT IS DISGUSTING!

What kind of person sneezes a face full of boogers and doesn’t even say “excuse me.” To add insult to injury, the baby expected their mother to clean them up with her bare hands. That’s wildly inconsiderate, bro.

If my son/daughter decides to randomly expel bodily fluids and I don’t have a napkin or tissue around, it’s going to be a misunderstanding. If God wanted me to bare hand booger wipe, He wouldn’t have invented napkins. Many parents have reassured me that “it’s different when it’s your child.” I HOPE SO! My stomach is churning just relieving this traumatic experience in my head.

I Don’t Care for People Who Can’t Clearly Communicate

I’m going to paint you a picture. Imagine you have a good friend you’re trying to have a civilized conversation with. Instead, all they do is cry at you while you try your best to figure out what’s wrong with them. Does that sound fun? No, no it does not, but that’s a baby for you. Babies are not about that having a reasonable conversation about their wants and needs life.

Look, if a child could be born around 18 – 24 months, I’d be cool. The whole baby phase of primarily communicating through crying makes me, let’s call it, “less than thrilled”. Hey, I’m a man of the people. I love pleasing people (I like) and making people happy (I like). Is it my fault babies don’t know how to ask for what they want?

No.

Why should I have to change? Why don’t babies change?! It’s probably all this catering and adjusting we do for them that makes them so inconsiderate and selfish in the first place. Someone’s gotta stand up to these narcissistic little people. I don’t know about you but I’m going to make a change, and I’m starting with the man in the mirror.

I Want a Child But I Can Live Without a Baby

If I never have a baby it’ll be too soon, but in all seriousness, despite my concerns about having a daughter, which I wrote about in detail here, I do want a son or daughter of my own. I’d prefer this son or daughter to be born while I’m with a pretty woman I love, during a time frame when I am best able to provide financially and emotionally, and married but two out of three would suffice.

Sometimes I’m legitimately concerned by the fact that some of my friends are far more excited about having a child than myself. They’re the type of people that have been planning for child birth since their first Ken and Barbie Doll House arrived. They already have names and colleges picked out for their unborn children Until recently, I was far more indifferent about the subject. If I had a child, cool. If I didn’t, cool. For me, it was more of a logical progression: If I’m older, married, and my wife wants to have a baby kid together – why not?

Lately, I’ve become more personally invested in wanting a child of my own. Maybe I’ve matured. Maybe kids (not babies) have grown on me. I’m still not 100% positive I want a baby, but eventually he or she will grow up to be a kid. Kids are awesome, so I can probably deal…until they’re a teenager.

But, no one likes teenagers.

If you don’t have any kids, how do you feel about kids/babies? When did you know you definitely wanted to have a child of your own? Has having a child of your own or a child in your life (cousin, nephew, etc) changed your perspective on babies/kids? TC mark

This post originally appeared at Single Black Male</a.

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