It wasn’t a rush of feelings, or an onslaught of tears or even butterflies. It was slow, and simple. It starting rising in my toes, all the way through my legs, into my stomach, slowly reaching my heart, and finally making it’s wait to my hair that was standing on end.
I’ve always wondered what it was like to fall in love. It’s never happened to me before. I’ve always been someone who has a rush of feelings. A person who defined infatuation as love. I ran head first into each relationship and let myself get hurt because I didn’t understand what I was feeling.
Infatuation is often mistaken for love. Now please don’t get me wrong – I believe in love at first sight. You may be thinking that’s ridiculous. But I don’t care. I’m a firm believer that you can fall in love whenever. Whether it’s the moment you first look into their eyes and find yourself getting lost, or maybe it’s three years down the road when they’re walking beside you as you’re doing some grocery shopping and they laugh in that simple way that brings a smile to your face.
But there is a difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is a rush. A high that that keeps you so far up in the air that you forget yourself. And it’s a beautiful feeling. Getting lost in someone so fully that you don’t know who you are or what you want anymore. You just want them. But then suddenly it flutters to a stop. It’s like a plane has run out of fuel and it slows and eventually crashes and burns. Because infatuation is not love.
Love is slow. It creeps up on you without you realizing it. And I think the beautiful thing about love is that you don’t lose who you are. Of course you get lost in love. Who couldn’t get lost in something so beautiful? But instead of losing who you are, you find yourself. You learn who you can become. There’s something about being in love that urges you to learn from someone else, and to grow from one another.
The moment I fell in love was terrifying. I’m moving away. And it was finally time to have that big talk about whether or not we’d stay together. We were both hesitant. Why wouldn’t we be? It’s been said that long distance never works. And we both knew it was hard, especially since we haven’t even been together that long.
But when I looked at him, and I could see the pain in his eyes as we had this talk, I knew I had to try. I couldn’t say goodbye to this, I couldn’t let it go. I had to give it a chance. Because if I walked away now, I’d be giving up something that I know is worth a fight. And I’m a stubborn human being. I don’t give up so easily.
So we decided to try. And at that moment, I was able to let out a huge sigh of relief. We laid together in bed for hours that day, just talking. It didn’t matter what it was about, or even if we didn’t talk at all. But every time I looked into his eyes I could feel myself slowly falling.
Unfortunately I’m a stubborn person. And I’ll tell the world that I’m not in love. Because I don’t want to admit it yet. But this is my admission to myself. I have to start somewhere, right? And so, since I don’t know how else to get these words out – I love you.
And just like we agreed, I know this is worth it.