There’s something about having a crush that makes your brain turn to mush. All you can think about is their name, their smile, how they basically said “I love you” with their eyes that one time you met eyes across the bean dip at Janine’s house party, and how long will it take you two to finally move into a Tudor home together. It’s a fuzzy, terrible, exciting feeling, and it’s all encompassing. On top of that, it makes you think the most embarrassing, zero-chill thoughts you’ll ever have the pleasure of experiencing. Oh, the cringiness.
Below are 29 thoughts you have while being smack dab in the middle of a crush.
1. This is stupid. I’m not six years old anymore. I’m a grown, independent woman with a French press for crying out loud. That kind of level of adulthood doesn’t have room for something as silly as a crush.
2. I like being alone anyway. I can do laundry on a Friday night, accidentally fall asleep with a face mask on, and leave dishes underneath blankets in bed without getting a lick of grief for it. It’s amazing.
3. And no one sneakily uses my expensive shampoo. Not even me. I’ve got everything the way I like it, without the messy interruptions of a man-friend.
4. Do you think he’ll think it’s sweet or weird that I keep a lock of his hair in my locket?
5. More importantly, do you think he’ll think it’s sweet or weird that I won a locket, period?
6. Ohmygod he just checked in at the brunch place across the street from my apartment.
7. Should I run over there for, like, a casual croissant? THIS COULD BE IT. He could see me over the top of his newspaper and the whole room will slow down like it does in the movies and he’ll realize I’m the one he’s always been searching for and he’ll take out a diamond ring casually out of his pant pocket and propose to me as everyone claps over their eggs Benedicts.
8. Yaaaas, I’m doing this. Let me just run a quick comb through my hair.
9. And maybe I should change into my sexy underwear? Is that too presumptuous? Like I’m sure we’ll want to celebrate our new engagement?
10. Shit, makeup. Just a little bit of makeup to freshen things up. Where’s my chapstick?
11. And my contour brush. And fake eyelashes. And spackle brush.
12. *An hour later, frowning at the mirror.* You know, a nervous hand really has the capability to make you look like a rodeo clown. Ugh, I need to hose myself down.
13. He’s probably already got the check by now anyway.
14. Which is for the best, because I don’t even want a man, remember?
15. I’m so glad I’m still wearing my granny panties. Putting them back on would be so defeating.
16. God, my hands are still clammy.
17. And now I’m going to think about him for 72 hours non-stop, until I get him out of my system again.
18. Because apparently I still have the emotional IQ of a first grader. I’m going to offer to trade stickers next.
19. I’d so give him my favorite Lisa Frank sticker, though.
20. Because I love him so much.
21. I wonder if he ever thinks of me? With my luck, he probably just knows me as that one girl “with the mom jeans.”
22. Though one time he smiled really hugely when he said hello to me. Though there might have been a possibility there was someone standing behind me. But there’s no proof of that, so let me have this.
23. I think next time I see him at Taylor’s get together, I’ll actually say hi.
24. Not like last time, where I scooped an obscene amount of guac into my mouth and – when I turned around – there he was.
25. And I was nearly met with Death by Guac because I started coughing out of giddiness.
26. Hopefully he doesn’t remember that. Though if he does, that must mean he thinks about me?
27. Yea, next time I’m going to be brave and go up and talk to him. If I want to have those five kids with him, we’re going to have to start sooner rather than later.
28. Just remember the French press, you’ve got this.
29. Oh God, why are my palms sweaty again?