What’s one of the top reasons for a lack of fire in the bedroom? It’s the absence of foreplay. The sad truth is, once that glow of initial love starts to wear off, it’s all too easy for one or both partners to become too comfortable, lazy or even perfunctory about sex in general. And ‘perfunctory’ is not a word that turns anyone on. Neither is being in a relationship without curiosity, spontaneity or an active approach towards keeping the spark alive.
If this applies to you, it’s important to jump immediately off the path to ‘no sex’ land and back on the road to sexy town. When you set your mind to doing it, you’ll have so much fun on the journey, there’ll be no turning back.
Here are 10 strategies, to help you get there.
1. Start with your mind
We all know that mental stimulation, just as much as physical, gets those erotic engines fired up. Arousal occurs first in your mind, activating the desire to have sex. Once you’re in this state, your body exhibits physical symptoms – even if there isn’t a man in sight!
So, your thoughts are your most powerful tool, in enhancing foreplay. In fact, they’re basically the gunshot that starts the race towards bliss. Without them, it’s like starting in the middle somewhere, without enough adrenalin to get you to the finish line.
Build your own erotic tension by reading steamy novels, imagining fantasy scenarios and ‘sexting’ each other throughout the day. You’ll start feeling sexier, which leads to acting sexier – and that’s something neither of you will be able to resist.
2. Make out like teenagers
When you think about how much fun it was to make out with a crush at high school, it makes you wonder why on earth you’d give it up. For example, how do passionate kisses turn into dry pecks on the cheek, when you see each other after a long day at work? Kissing is free, thoroughly enjoyable and emotionally intimate, so don’t let it disappear from your life.
The best thing is, you can kiss passionately anywhere, anytime. It’s not an act that needs to only occur in bed, before sex. Kiss in the middle of the supermarket, kiss instead of watching TV, kiss in the car when you stop at a red light. Go for a sneaky grope too, when no one’s looking. Teenagers don’t own PDA (public displays of affection) – you’re allowed to do it too.
3. Give each other sensual massages
Sensuality doesn’t often just appear in our lives, unless you’ve stumbled upon a lush Moroccan tent complete with lanterns, candles, scented oils and throbbing drum beats floating on the balmy breeze. In the absence of an erotic den, there’s no reason why you can’t create your own.
Make a point of setting aside time, to take turns giving each other massages. The masseuse is responsible for setting the sensual scene, which can be as simple as music and a candle, or as elaborate as a full blown day spa oasis. If you’re competitive together, you’ll soon start outdoing each other’s ideas.
For those men that struggle with romance, just convince him to do it once. When his senses come alive and he sees how the scene affects you, combined with the possibility of what comes after the massage, he might just become a converted romantic, for life.
4. Highlight physical affection and eye contact
Do you ever look at couples and just know they’re having amazing sex, because of the way they behave with each other? Most likely, he’s stroking her hair, she’s touching his shoulder while laughing, or they’re holding eye contact long after they’ve stopped speaking.
This isn’t necessarily an indication of a couple who’ve only just fallen in love. It’s one of a relationship abundant in physicality. Like anything, remembering to touch your partner often, hold hands or gaze into each other’s eyes, is a habit. Touching in a non-sexual way fosters emotional intimacy and affection. Where does this lead? As with all foreplay, to sexual connection and that wild romp in the sheets you’ve been missing in the absence of affectionate touching.
5. Take advantage of your bathroom
Everyone has a bathroom and takes a shower every day (hopefully). If you live together or are staying at each other’s places, don’t let the opportunity slide for some watery fun. Since you’re going to bathe anyway, do it together and simply see where it leads.
Just being naked, with water adding sensation, is foreplay in itself. However, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a sexual experience. Have fun, soap each other up, blow bubbles or wash each other’s hair. Naturally, if you have a bath, you can draw out the sensuality of being in the water – and draw your own conclusions as to where that might lead.
6. Food as foreplay
Food has to be one of the sexiest things on the planet. Not only does everyone love it, but the aromas, colours, textures and flavours stimulate our senses even before we eat, making our mouths water. This is the power of food as foreplay. Cooking together, feeding each other or just watching each other eat means you get to harness its potential for creating erotic anticipation.
The more you turn mundane activities (of which cooking so often is) into sensual experiences, the more you invite them into your relationship. Which foods feel sexy to you? Chocolate coated strawberries? Whipped cream? Oysters? Maple syrup? Buy them and forget about your dinner plates. There’s much less washing up when you use each other’s bodies, instead.
7. Turn on the tease
Teasing really is the king of foreplay techniques. Whether it’s playful, seductive or downright dirty, teasing promotes anticipation, by the promise of what it alludes to. Flirting with each other doesn’t have to stop once you get into a relationship. The cheeky banter, a raised eyebrow, intense eye contact or an accidental brush of the arm still has the power to raise the level of attraction even after you’ve moved into the comfort zone.
Take it up a notch with tickling matches, playing Twister, strip poker or watching a sexy movie. If you feel comfortable, unleash your inner dancer and do a strip tease or dress up in an outfit you know he’ll love. No matter how you decide to do it, get back into the habit of deliberately turning each other on and watch the fireworks begin.
8. Switch up your routine
While it’s often the most practical spot, limiting foreplay to the bedroom doesn’t leave much scope for the imagination. Flirting, teasing and touching knows no bounds, so take it outside the realm of a night time, before bed routine and into your everyday life.
Without advocating illegal displays of raunchy behaviour, everywhere you look has the potential to become a backdrop for foreplay. Is there somewhere in your yard that offers some privacy? Get hot and heavy outside. Swimming in the ocean? No one can see what’s happening beneath the waves. Think your man looks cute while he makes you coffee in the morning? Pash him senseless as the kettle boils.
9. Take control of foreplay
While it’s traditionally the role of a guy to take control of the foreplay situation, especially before sex, it’s not a rule that needs to be adhered to. If you feel shy, try not thinking about it too much and take the initiative. You’re allowed to express your sexuality and you don’t have to wait for him to give you the green light to do so. More than likely, his thrilled reaction will give you the confidence boost you need.
Kiss him sensually while you’re eating dinner or sit in his lap and feed him dessert. Undress him slowly and take your time with every button on his shirt. Or, just rip it off. Even if it’s funny, there’ll still be an element of sexiness.
10. Ask for what you want
It’s no secret that many women struggle to ask for what they want, especially with regard to foreplay. Perhaps you feel awkward, you think he’ll be offended or you haven’t really explored what it is you need, to be completely sexually satisfied.
The thing is, if he’s not putting time into turning you on, you’re missing out on the sex life you deserve. He’ll be happier too, if he knows he’s giving you what you want, but you can’t expect him to be a mind reader. If he’s always in a rush to get to the main event, let him know that touching your arms, legs, stomach, neck and back, softly and slowly at first, drives you wild. Let him know he doesn’t have to wait until the bedroom to get started. Give him appropriate verbal cues. Lead by example and do to him what you’d like him to do to you. When he experiences the results, he’ll catch on pretty quickly.
Foreplay is an art that needs to be worked on, reinvented, nurtured, embraced and admired. When you view it as such, your relationship will keep expanding towards new heights, both sexually and emotionally.
And that’s worth spending a few extra dollars on those succulent strawberries at the market, for ‘dinner’ tonight.