I don’t want someone to keep me up with long conversations when I can be dreaming of the new surprises the world has in store for me, relive all the good times that I don’t want to die, and dream of all the new friends I will spend my lifetime having conversations with that not only fill up my nights, but also fill up my days.
I don’t want someone to take me out on dinner or buy me flowers. I know I have value when a stranger smiles my way or when my co-workers ask me to go out for drinks. I know I haven’t stopped being special when an old friend reaches out to ask me how I am doing or when my younger brother finds me to spent hours talking about a new girl. I know I have worth when something I once did or said still resonates with the last person who I ever thought would still think about me.
I don’t crave someone to shower me with compliments when my friends have never failed to notice the time it took for me to do my hair or the new dresses which they always somehow know are new. My mom still glows with pride whenever I walk down the stairs ready to go out even when I am not wearing any make-up. But most importantly, I don’t need a man to remind me how beautiful I am because now, I have no reason to believe that I lost my beauty.
I don’t want to sink into someone’s arms while watching movies on Saturday nights. Sometimes the best Saturday nights are the ones with old friends when we’re trying to think of a topic we haven’t already discussed fifty times. Somehow the same old jokes have a way of making me laugh in new ways and somehow the same old faces make me feel like I’m talking to a new friend.
Sometimes the best Saturday nights are the ones when I don’t have any plans at all. I spent those hours watching a movie that will make me laugh or reading a story that will make me smile in ways that remind me how real happiness comes from what you can give yourself instead of waiting for another person to give it to you.
I don’t want to walk the streets holding hands with someone because I’m a grown woman who is capable of walking alone on her two feet. I am complete with every moment of peace and happiness that I have and even more complete without the worries of all that I lack.
There are times I wish I had someone to call and tell awful stories to that only they will find funny. Or even someone to smile with and make the small moments feel like the greatest adventures. Despite these sudden spark of thoughts, I realized that the stronger you stand alone, the easier it becomes not to fall for the wrong kinds of love.
But until then, I refuse to believe my happiness is dependent on romantic relationships when the connections I have with life can give me so much more than what another human being can bring. Forming friendships with all kinds of people shape you into so many unimaginable things that would be impossible if you are constantly limited down to one person.
For right now, although deep down I may believe love is what I want, and I may believe I know exactly what I am looking for, I know I will never meet him if I try too hard to search for someone when every day I am constantly discovering new parts of myself. I know I most likely don’t know what I want in him when I am still trying to understand what anyone could possibly want in me. I don’t believe that I am alone because whoever I am meant to be with is still out there. Wherever he is, I hope he too is working to be the best he can be so by the time we do meet, he will have become just the perfect man for me.
But for now, I don’t want to bend over my back to try and be with someone. And I definitely don’t want to give love a chance every time I meet a new guy. Because even if everyone around me is falling in love with other people, I would rather spend this time falling in love with myself if I ever want another person to eventually fall in love with me.