That’s all it took.
A couple minutes together with you due to a random bump to bring back a flood of memories that I wondered if were reeling through your mind as rapidly as they were reeling through mine. I erased all your footprints of you ever walking into my life. Wiped off the fingerprints you left on my skin leaving no prove of your existence. Seeing you that night made me do a double-take. I had to re-register your face because cleaning away the damage also cleaned away my memory of what you looked like.
Nothing about you changed – not a single hair. But everything about me was different. Or at least I thought.
My stomach flipped so naturally and easily when your number flashed on my screen. It’s done that flip so many times that it has become a signature move cued by any signs from you. My body still hasn’t stopped reacting to you. And neither has my heart.
I am mad that you lied to me when you said you didn’t want to be “with anyone.” We both know what you really meant to say was: You didn’t want to be with me. Even through all the kisses where your lips were burning every fiber on my body or that sudden moment when your fingers found their place right between mine, you still couldn’t see yourself with someone like me.
Yet, here you are.
The only reason you are here is not because you found your way back to me, but because you haven’t found yourself anyone else. You are completely alone. And maybe I am too, but in all honesty,
I would rather be sad alone, than try to be happy with you.
It doesn’t matter that you have been thinking of texting me. It doesn’t matter that you say you care about me or how you once opened yourself up to me in a way that has always been difficult for you. It doesn’t matter at all what you say behind a screen now because you never had the guts to say it to my face before. I’m not sure what you’re looking for because so far it still doesn’t look like a relationship to me. A commitment or a promise. Or really anything that you knew I wanted from the beginning but you didn’t want any chance for it to even start.
I was happy with the way things ended because they ended. Over. Done. And I had no desire to re-open that book and torture myself through pages where I knew there would be no happy ending. Maybe you did miss me. Maybe you did realize something. But I sometimes can’t help but wonder, if it wasn’t for that unexpected encounter, would you have texted me at all?
You’re still half way across the road. You’re still hesitant to take that next step. And the longer you take to move your feet one step closer to me, the further I take mine one step back away from you.
The sad thing is, despite these messages, you’re still letting me go while I made another wild leap to hold on to you. I didn’t know how bad I had been waiting for you until now and how badly I will continue to long for you even after I sent another “goodbye.”
But one day, soon, I will get over you.
Because I will not take back someone who made me stop believing that I was beautiful. So much, that if any guy ever looked my way, my first thought was that there must be something wrong with them. I will not let you walk back into my life when the last thing I ever wanted was to be forced to walk out of yours.
I won’t live off of the scraps and pieces you threw my way when I know there is someone out there searching to find me, so he can give me the world.
Don’t try to convince me that you want to be “just friends” again. If it didn’t occur to you before, I’ll say it for you now: You and I were never really friends to begin with.