I don’t feel sorry for you.
You want to know how it feels to be in control instead of thinking that you are in control. You want to put yourself in his shoes. You want someone to love you so much that when you walk away from them, the thought of your face shakes them with anger, but freezes them with the blow of realizing they are still in love with you.
You want to hurt someone whose only fault was that he saw something in you, something you couldn’t even see in yourself. And he loved it so much that he was willing to swallow back the nonsense of “not being ready for a relationship,” so he can be in a relationship with you.
He is your experiment; you want to destroy him until there’s nothing left and see if his tears can rip off one small hair on you.
But that’s not what you really want to do.
Each time your skin touches his, you want to see whether his body leaves an imprint of yours instead of the empty air you left on the last boy like you were never even there. When you look into his eyes, you want to become so lost in them that you momentarily forget who you are and where you are. You want to see if it’s possible, to look him dead in those same eyes and tell him you don’t love him. And this is why I don’t feel sorry for you.
You are so intent on reaching your own truth and fixing your own heart that in the process you are willing to break the heart of someone else.
You made him fall in love with the wrong person because you know too well that this is not who you are. You threw away the one thing that made you special from every other girl just because someone foolish from your past couldn’t see what that was.
That doesn’t mean you were completely worthless to him and every other guy who walked away from you. Boys, even players, won’t waste time with a girl including you unless there is something, even a very small bit, about you that they find attractive and appealing.
Think about all the jokes he used to tell you even though they were terrible. He knew you would laugh anyway because he liked the sound of your laugh. He liked the way you looked down at your shoes and smile when he would tease you. You probably don’t even know, but when you were too busy shying away from him, he was secretly smiling too.
There was a way you talked that made him stick around, wanting to keep hearing the sound of your voice. You had a way of making him feel like he mattered so much that he was immediately drawn to you. You were not like the other girls in his past because you were the first one who showed him that you cared.
And you decided to erase your most striking qualities that men all over the world are dying to seek in a woman, just because he decided he didn’t want that woman to be you.
It’s hard to find a person with a genuine heart. If you can’t find that person, then you have to be that person – except for the fact that you already were.
And now, you want to be some boy’s nightmare just to know if it is imaginable for someone to love you so much and not love them back.
It doesn’t matter that you learned you are also capable of shutting off your emotions when you know the person you are kissing is slowly opening his heart to you. And maybe this new boy is a player himself. So giving him, after he had played so many girls, a taste of his own medicine makes you feel as if you finally got back at the one who had played you.
Maybe they did have it coming. Maybe they do deserve it.
But becoming a player to give them their punishment doesn’t turn you into a hero; it only turns you into one of them.
When you tear up another for your own selfish reasons, you lose yourself. A lost self can never find someone because no one will be looking for them.
You might wonder how it is easy for some boys to be this way and have girls falling all over them. Stop wondering about why you couldn’t let go of him because one day, he is going to be wondering how he ever let go of you.
If you think I feel sorry for you, I don’t. You deprived the world a girl who was willing to put the weight of that world on her shoulders. You deprived the men who are searching for you, your warmth, your honesty and passion from ever finding you.
And you did all this, because unfortunately, some boy found you first but only to place you last.
So, no, I don’t feel sorry for you. But I do feel sorry for him.