When I was 21 years old I got my heart ripped out of my chest. Not literally but it felt like it. My chest felt tight and it felt like someone was stabbing me every time I took a breath.
Two years later I have finally recovered. But do you really ever recover from such a thing? Do you really ever recover from heartbreak?
I can say that I have definitely moved on, after numerous breakdowns, and after going back (a few times) to the guy who has caused me the most pain in the world.
I would be lying if I said that I don’t still get flashbacks of happy memories, of that warm fuzzy feeling you get inside when you are in love, of that longing for him or of him looking right through me. But I would also be lying if I said that I don’t remember the pain, the weakness, and the vulnerability.
That heartbreak broke me so hard that I have been building myself piece by piece ever since, with a few pieces crumbling down every now and then.
I would say that I have most of my life under control and that having to rebuild myself has allowed me to find my passion and focus on myself. I seem to have figured out what a 23 year old needs to have figured out for now.
However there is this one thing that I can’t seem to get a hang of. This thing scares me to death but I still love the idea of. It’s love.
I am terrified of opening up again. What if I become that weak person again? What if I crumble into 1,000 pieces? Do I have the strength to rebuild myself one more time?
I meet lovely guys, sweet and caring guys and yes maybe it’s not meant to be so I stop before it goes any further. But I know that it’s me. Every time I look into someone’s eyes I see him and I am taken aback. So I stopped looking. I stopped looking deep inside a guy’s soul scared to find something I love more than myself again.
I realise now that yes I have moved on but my heart hasn’t healed. Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. Maybe in order for me to have a healthy relationship I need to learn to love again with this pain. Maybe this pain is what will keep me together next time.