When it comes to being drunk: when it’s not good it’s BAD. As I’m sure many of you have experienced, there are a variety of drunk people who you do NOT want to deal with. There are three types of drunk girls you experience in college. Whether you’re in a club, bar, house party, etc,. it is guaranteed that you will meet the following three people. And after you meet them, you might wish you never did. You never knew that asking the question, “Are you okay?” could take you down such a dark, dark path and to a point of no return…that is, until you met these girls:
1. The Angry-Drunk Girl
This girl is PISSED. Within moments of meeting her you will find out the following facts: Her ex-boyfriend is the absolute worst! No, really. Like so mean she can’t even. This girl, “can’t handle it,” and in between this violent fit of drunken rage that was no doubt fueled by tequila, she will show you all the text messages this man has sent her. “Can you believe this? Can you believe he asked me what I was doing? Who the f*ck does he think he is. I’m not answering this, what a dick.”
Within the five-minute period that will pass before she answers the text, she will then start showing you pictures of all the girls he used to or is hooking up with. “She’s not cute right? Look at her, omg. She’s UGLY. He totally downgraded, right!? Gross.” She’s now answering the text with “nothing much, you?”
Followed by this, she will start getting progressively more intoxicated. This usually plays out with her grinding on anyone she sees, ripping shots off the bar, and making her friends take pictures of her with the motive, “If he sees how drunk I’m getting he will get jealous that I’m talking to other guys.” Probably not. If you need to turn to Instagram to attempt to salvage a relationship that seems like it’s gone further than south, this is not a good look. All you can think about is how you shouldn’t have asked her if she was alright, how sad this whole thing is, and thank god this is not you. The night for this girl will end up resulting in…
2. The Crying-Drunk Girl
This girl believes you are her therapist for the night, even though you just said you liked her dress in passing. She now has you cornered and is pouring her heart out to you and you just don’t know if you can get out of it. All you can think about is how badly you need to pee, but she’s so focused on telling you some irrational tale about how mean everyone is to her that you can’t even tell her you just really need to go to the bathroom.
“Can you believe she said I was a slut? I can’t believe it. I have done so much for her. I even held her hair back this one time at this frat party and told her I wouldn’t tell. So what if I hooked up with her boyfriend. Now everyone is being so mean to me and it’s not my fault.”
You’re right. It’s totally not your fault that you fell on your best friend’s boyfriends’ face, and that 100% doesn’t make you a bad friend. You held her hair back that one time three years ago and that totally gives you the right to call dibs on her significant other. You’re not a slut, you’re just an idiot who took a mental bath in rum and coke, and in the morning you will accept defeat. I’m sorry about the weird love-triangle you seem to have gotten yourself involved in, it sounds sketchy and this night will inevitably result in….
3. The Vomiting-Drunk Girl
That’s right, vomiting. This female has been blackout since before she even started pregaming. Maybe she had a rough week or maybe she just likes throwing up on herself, but either way home; girl is not killing it tonight. She’s standing there with a glazed over look in her eyes, going in and out of smiling. Which is followed by tears, which is of course, followed by falling asleep. She keeps insisting that she is NOT DRUNK and she can definitely drive herself home. She’s soooo sober it’s not even funny, guys.
She will then definitely make out with six different people who for sure look like the hunchback of Notre Dame until her BFF finds her and pulls her away to tell her they need to leave. She will argue that she’s fine and those guys were HOT. In the midst of her friend trying to get her to leave wherever they are, she will start steadily declining even further than before. This is probably the point in the night where your act of kindness takes a turn for the worst, and this girl pukes on your leg. And once you reach this juncture, you vow to never ask anyone if they are okay EVER AGAIN.