I thought of you every so often before you existed in my life. Unknowingly, you were in my mind when I cried myself to sleep as a teen. Every time my heart was broken and shattered, I still held on to the idea that love could exist. I fell asleep thinking of you, holding me, caressing me, telling me it would be okay. My tranquility and calm. My peace and quiet. You.
When I almost lost my mother, I knew I loved you then. She lied on a hospital bed unconscious, and I screamed for her outside the room. I was calling for a woman who could not console me. My anxiety was unwilling to let me accept I could lose her. I was hysterical, I was lost. I loved you then. I knew, deep down, I would find you.
And all would be right again, and one day I could have you over for dinner. My mom would be our host. I’d hope you stay for dessert (and maybe the rest of my days).
When my father’s test results came in, I loved you then. I felt you crawl into my bloodstream. You gave me the will to keep living, so I could give it to him too. How many times have you felt me from far away, not knowing you had the power to hold me together?
I loved you then, not knowing one day you’d get to tell him you wanted to share the rest of your life with me.
“I think we dreamed of loving people like each other our whole lives.”
How many nights have you lied with women who didn’t see the constellations in your eyes, or the way your stare falls heavy on those you love? I felt it, like electricity, tingling up my spine. There were people I thought I loved, but I saw nothing in their stare. They were blank canvases, hoping I would be brave enough to fix them. I tried to do and be what they wanted. But I knew, even then, I loved an idea that didn’t exist in my life yet. Now that I know your love, I would have waited my whole life for it.
I felt your presence in every pore, each muscle stretched out from reaching for you. My body, a bundle of nerves and worries, has always felt more jagged than loving. It is for that reason that so many have left. But for some reason, it is why you came. Armed with loyalty. Armed with patience. I loved you from the moment our eyes met.
“Now that I know your love, I would have waited my whole life for it.”
That must be why, when you walked in late to that birthday party and sat across from me, we felt like we were speaking to old friends.
I think we dreamed of loving people like each other our whole lives.
Our souls were simply saying, “Where have you been? No matter, you’re here now.”