What do you do when there isn’t a cure for what illness is slowly killing you? That no one can tell you for sure that you will live or die or even make it to the next moment? How do you fight to stay alive when your own brain is telling you to kill yourself?
I fight my battle every day of my life. “Severe depression and anxiety with social anxiety disorder on top of that”, my psychiatrist said. Like I didn’t know that already. Like I didn’t know that I was messed up in a way that other people aren’t. I just think, “well, duh, lady. I wouldn’t be here if I felt like sunshine and rainbows were shooting out of my ass every day! I NEED MEDICATION TO HELP ME!” But I listen to what she has to say and I nod my head like I don’t know that I am “different”. I have fought the battle for many years.
But at this point in my life, I need serious help. I won’t survive without people knowing what is going on inside of my brain and my body every day.
See, I am the great pretender. I smiled my way through college to get my prestigious accounting degree from a prestigious school. I smiled my way through internships and getting my first job at a “Big 4” accounting firm. I smiled through my year there and being so far from home. I smiled through my next job, where they thought I had experience with taxes (sorry, but I told you assholes that I didn’t when you hired me) and let me fail miserably. Where leads me up to taking a current position at another prestigious job away from taxes.
This job has driven me to where I am now, though. Having depression and social anxiety makes it quite hard for other people to distinguish if I am mad or just have RBF (resting bitch face, which I have all the time).
I don’t really get along with people my age because they just want to drink or laugh about stupid things. Also, I guess my work is “not up to par and they thought I had more experience”. So how many hits does it take to knock you down and you can’t get back up? For me it’s three.
It came down to swallowing all my pills I could find in my room with a bottle of vodka chaser or telling someone I wanted to die. I stared at those pills. I thought, “no person, no job, no man, and definitely not my brain can make me feel this broken. This defeated.
So all the pills went back in their bottles and I told someone. So now I find myself on a leave of absence from work because if I hear one more person tell me I am not good enough or a manager say they need it now or a snotty girl laugh at the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life, I will break. So, leaving while I figure me out is the first step to recovery.
I have no clue where I am going from here. But I know that I can’t and I won’t subject myself to people ever again that make me feel so terrible about myself. It’s time to love ME. And it’s time that you loved yourself, too.
Are you scared to quit the job that kills you on the inside every day? Are you scared to leave that “comfortable” relationship, even though you know you don’t love that person? Are you scared that you won’t have status in life anymore or money or the prestigious job? Do you know how little all of that means when it comes down to your life and everything else?
I choose me. I choose life. I choose to get better and then get out in the world again and kick ass.
Can I do it right now? No. Baby steps. One little breath at a time. One day at a time. But I am not giving up. I am asking you to not give up either. Because someone loves you. Someone will fall apart if you leave this world. Someone will never forgive themselves. When it’s the darkest moment of your life, reach out and hold on.
Hold on for your life. Because this world is crazy and unpredictable, but its beautiful. Quit the job. Break up with the person you cant stand. Forget about the money. Life is more valuable than you think. Tell someone. Tell anyone. Reach. Because someone will grab your hand. That in itself is beautiful.