Sometimes I just can’t shut off my stupid mind. I breathe. I write. I try to sit in the quiet. I dig into the word. I read. I run. I pray. And still, there’s this never-ending stream of thoughts. No matter how strong and confident in my faith I try to be, I still question whether I’m walking the right path. I wonder if there’s something more I should be doing, something less. I look around me for answers, all the while knowing everything is, and will be laid out before me. I just need to trust.
But sometimes it’s just so hard to be silent. To believe. To stop trying to take matters in my own hands. Sometimes it’s almost impossible to wait when I want to run, to pause when I want to go, to sit still when my feet are itching to feel the gravel beneath them.
But I want to trust, Father.
I want to slow my mind and let it be filled with thoughts of you. I want to quit thinking I have this life measured and mapped out, and know that you’re walking alongside me and I don’t have to be afraid.
I want to stop trusting my own two legs to guide me, and find my foundation in your arms.
I want to follow the path you have for me, one that is far greater than I could ever imagine, one that honors and shines with you.
God, today I want to reaffirm my bond with you. I want to show you that I’m here, that my heart is beating for you, that though I may falter and fail—I want to be yours. I want to go down the road you’ve paved for me. I want to listen.
So here I am listening. Here I am focusing on your truth rather than the stream of consciousness buzzing in my head. I’m not going to make excuses. I’m not going to be ‘too afraid’ to trust. I’m not going to think I’m less, or unworthy of your love because I know that’s not the truth.
I’m just going to open my ears. I’m just going to be thankful. I’m just going to take a step. I’m just going to believe that no matter what obstacle I face, or mess I’m thrown into, I don’t have to battle through by myself.
Instead of looking for things of this world to fill me, instead of relying on imperfect people to answer the questions in my imperfect heart, instead of putting so much pressure on myself to be flawless and righteous and strong, I’m going to let you carry my burdens for me. I’m going to turn away from sin and pain and towards you. I’m going to believe that no matter how heavy, or indecisive, or unsure, or unsteady I feel, you have a plan. And I will be okay in following it.
God, you never promised easy. This I know. And I accept this. I accept that I will have hard days, that I will lose people, that I will face death, that I will encounter heartbreak, that I will lose myself a time or two. But I know, in the depth of my heart, that you are within me. That I don’t have to push through the drama and burdens of this life without hope. That there is something greater waiting for me, through your Son, in the life after this one. That if I hold on, continue, and not give up on your love, I will find that joy and peace.
So right now, I am listening. I am shutting off doubts. I turning away from negative thinking and self-hate. I am no longer going to be a slave to the things around me, to my broken heart, to the people who have let me down.
I am going to stand strong in you because you are my promise, because you are my hope, because you are my strength and you never fail me.
I don’t know where this road will take me. I don’t know what you have planned, or whether I’ll be happy or unsatisfied or confused in the days to come. But I know that you are my God and you love me. And maybe that’s all I really need to know.
So I’m stepping out in faith, stepping forward in truth.
I’m listening, God. Tell me where to go.