With You, I’m Not Afraid To Believe In Something Bigger

Priscilla Du Preez

I’ve always been nervous about the future. I’ve always turned over ‘what ifs’ in my mind, entertaining every possibility or outcome. I drive myself crazy with my overthinking sometimes.

But with you, it’s different.

With you, I’m not calculating every step and turn and decision and thought. With you, I’m not analyzing what could potentially happen, or what may go wrong. With you, I’m not looking over my shoulder, waiting for disaster to hit and holding my breath.

With you, I’m not afraid of what’s to come because I know we’ll stand together and face it, hand-in-hand.

I’ve never been good at slowing down, never been good at patience, or even trust sometimes. I like to know what’s going on. I like to have some sort of hold on what’s happening or some sense of control over my life. I like to plan ahead, to see the future paved out in front of me and the promise of every forward step. I like to have faith in my own footsteps and not rely on others to lead me.

But with you, it’s different.

With you, I’ve released my hold on things I can’t control—whether you’re here to stay, whether this will all pan out, whether I’m falling too soon or too quick for someone who’s not quite ready to catch me. With you, I’m learning to be patient, to trust, to believe that what you say is true and that I don’t have to let my silly, runaway thoughts ruin what’s right in front of me. With you, I’m learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers because they’ll come in time. We’ll know what to do when we get there, all we have to do is take one step at a time.

With you I don’t feel the need to control, to make sense of, to know, beyond a doubt, what the future holds. Because I know you’re in it. And that’s all the security I need.

I’ve always been bold in love, to a certain point. And then, as the relationship continued and I found myself on a different path than my significant other, I balked. As much as I wanted to see a future, all I could see were all the ways we weren’t going to make it, weren’t seeing eye-to-eye. And maybe it was simply because those weren’t my forever people. Maybe it was because those men and I were in two different places in our lives.

But with you, it’s different.

With you, I’m fearless.

I’m not afraid to imagine the possibility, the promise of forever in your arms. I’m not afraid to think about what could happen next, and know, with certainty, that I’m not going to have to bear the weight alone. I’m not afraid to fall, to fight, to raise my voice and hear yours just as loudly, wanting nothing more than to stand your ground and to learn who I am in every argument. Wanting to discover me, learn me, grow with me, become one with me.

And that’s not scary, that’s exciting. TC mark


Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.

Marisa Donnelly

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

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