I can’t stop. I can’t stop these worries from clouding my mind. I can’t stop these doubts from creeping up when I least expect them. I can’t stop opening the door for my fears, letting them back in no matter how hard I try to push them out.
When I’m lying in bed at night, I try to focus on you. I try to remember your promise to me, to all of us—that you’re never leaving—but sometimes it’s so hard to believe what I can’t see. You’ve told me a hundred times before to trust you. But trust is my biggest struggle.
How can I trust when sometimes I feel so alone? How can I trust when I’m not sure of the outcome? How can I trust when I don’t have the answers and feel powerless to what’s coming? How can I trust you’ll truly be there when I’ve fallen so many times before?
I know you’ve promised to stay by my side. And I know you never promised me a perfect life. But sometimes when I lie awake, counting the stars, making patterns out of the constellations, I wonder if I’ll ever truly feel at peace. I wonder if I’ll ever have the strength to let go of what I can’t control and give that fear and anxiety to you.
I think too much, God. I know you know this. I know you see the running thoughts in my head and you probably laugh because they’re so silly. I worry over things that haven’t happened yet. I worry over relationships that are just beginning. I worry over words I’ve said or didn’t say. I worry whether I could have changed moments in my past or made something different happen.
The problem is, many of those moments are come and gone. The problem is, I’m letting what’s behind ruin what’s in front of me. The problem is, there’s nothing I can do to go back and erase what was. I can only focus on what is.
And God, I need your help with that.
Please take my worried mind and calm it, take my furrowed brow and soften it, take my sweating palms and soothe them with your grace. Remind me that I do not have control of what happens in this life, but I do have a choice in how I react. I do have a choice in how I trust you and let your work be done in my life.
Please take whatever doubts I have and crush them. When I feel weak, remind me of my power in your arms. When I am tired, show me that I can continue on. When I’m wide awake, letting my mind spin in circles, help me give all that to you. And help me let what’s meant to happen, happen.
Show me that it’s okay to let go.
Please take my problems and remind me that you are bigger than them. Please take my fears and show me there is nothing to worry about when you are by my side.
I forget, God. I forget how powerful you are. I forget that you’re always here. I forget that you promised you would stay, through thick and thin, high or low. So instead of carrying these burdens, instead of trying to fight these battles on my own, instead of acting like I have everything under control when I’m totally crumbling on the inside—show me that I am not weak for letting you take the reins.
I give it all to you, God. Every fear and every doubt, every worry and every uncertainty. I give you all of my thoughts, my crazy over-thinking. I give you my heart and ask you to protect it.
I am your child. I am loved by you, even in my lowest moments, even when I doubt. Please keep me from wandering away from you. Please keep me from losing faith when I’m frightened.
You are here, always. And I know this. So help me to trust when the road is tough; help me to see that I’m never alone and there’s no need to let my mind run in circles.
The only direction I should be running is closer and closer to you.