You Make Me Want To Fall Into Bad Habits

JD Mason
JD Mason

It’s easy with you. Easy to nestle into the corners of your life. Easy to find my rhythm in the beating of your heart. Easy to make myself comfortable on your side of the bed, or put my hand in yours, or leave my toothbrush next to yours on the bathroom sink. It’s been easy to slip into a routine, to make myself comfortable in your arms, in your apartment, in your world.

With you, I don’t have to think.

But sometimes that scares me, as good things often do. They say you shouldn’t have too much of a good thing and that anything that tastes so sweet can leave bitterness on your tongue. And maybe they’re right. Maybe it shouldn’t be this easy. Maybe easy means it’s not real, or that I’m falling too fast, too deep, too soon.

But you make me want to stop thinking and take chances. You make me want to make stupid mistakes—leaning in and kissing you across the table when you’re mid-sentence, or driving over to your place late at night, just to taste your lips on mine.

You make me want to fall into bad habits, like quickly opening up to you and letting you into my life. Like changing the pattern of my days to make sense with yours. Like finding room for you in my selfish, busy existence and getting comfortable.

You make me want to have a routine. To wake up with you and fall asleep with you and lean on you even more than I lean on myself.

And maybe that’s a beautiful thing, but I’m not sure if I’m ready.

See, love shouldn’t have to feel like a sacrifice, like I’m shifting myself to make room for you, like I’m becoming someone else just to become something with you.

I shouldn’t be transforming into a new person just to have you in my arms.

But you’re the one I find myself wanting to change for. I want to make room in my soul for you. I want to take your heart and hold it like it’s precious and fragile in my arms. I want you to know that it’s safe with me.

You make me want to become something new with you—a girl whose not so damn stubborn, but willingly lets you in. A girl who falls in love, who allows you to share space in her mind, in her heart, in her home, in her life.

You make me comfortable. You make me crave routines. You make me want to settle down and build a life and wake up to your tired eyes and soft lips and morning kisses, day after day after day.

It’s scary. Because when I look at you I see my future.

And maybe I’m not quite ready. And maybe I’ll retrace my steps for a moment, trying to slow it all down. And maybe I’ll let you in and we’ll change alongside one another, learning, loving, becoming.

And maybe we’ll fall into bad habits—spending every night in each other’s arms, shifting our schedules to spend more time with each other, cooking dinners and sharing morning kisses—but they won’t be so bad because we’re in love. And we’re not scared of forever, not anymore. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

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