“I leave peace with you; I give my peace to you: not as the world gives do I give to you. Don’t let your heart be troubled.”
— John 14:27
I’ve taken comfort in these words, among others. Bible verses that promise God’s faithfulness and love, that tell me He will never leave or forsake me. And I fully believe this.
I trust that He will bring me the right person. I trust that He is listening to my prayers and wants me to be happy. I believe that everything will work according to His will and plan.
But the scariest thing is that sometimes I’m not sure what He wants for me.
And I’m not sure if He wants me to have you.
I met you under strange circumstances. We were two people going through similar things, wandering down the same life path, feeling just as lost. We bumped into each other and with a silly turn of events found ourselves instantly attached. It was friendship. But it was also deeper than that. And suddenly I was having feelings that I wasn’t ready for, thoughts spinning around my head that made me feel differently towards you.
I felt like I could really love you.
But the hardest part about having faith is not knowing—not knowing that He’s listening, not knowing what He wants, not knowing whether or not a person is an answered prayer or someone we should stay away from, a temptation, one that will pull us farther from Him.
We meet people and we think they’re God-given. We believe in fate and crazy circumstances and miracles. And we know He brings people into our lives purposefully. So we get too excited, we trust our own ideas rather than His understanding. And sometimes, we fall into the laps of the wrong people.
How can I tell if the person I meet, I trust, I love is a blessing or a lesson? How can I possibly know if you are ‘the one’ or just a broken heart on the way to finding him?
I can’t possibly know the answers, even if I pray and trust and ask God a million times. As Christians, this is the hardest part. But we must believe that He allows things to be for a specific reason. Perhaps to teach us something. Perhaps to grow us, or make us stronger. Perhaps to prepare us for something ahead. Perhaps to help us so that when we do stumble upon the right person, we’ll have gone through enough to be fully ready.
The truth about faith—God brings hardship into our lives for a purpose. But this isn’t a bad thing. It just means that whatever we go through, whomever He allows us to cross paths with, was pre-planned. And if that person isn’t our forever person, then they are an important preparation for him/her.
I know this, yet it’s still so hard.
I find myself wondering about you, running around in circles in my mind. How can I know if you’re right for me? How can I be sure that He sent me to you with a plan that’s bigger than the both of us? How do I know if I should let you in?
But I will anyways, carefully of course, but fully.
Because I know that even if things don’t work out, even if I end up broken, God has put you in my life intentionally. And even if we aren’t each other’s forevers, at least we will carry pieces of one another forever—lessons, but beautiful blessings nonetheless.
So I will trust Him. I will pray. I will be careful as I let you in and not let myself be too tempted or swayed. I will let God’s word guide me as I learn to love you. I will talk to Him every step of the way and ask Him if this is right for me, for you, for us. And I will listen.
I may not know if you’re the one He wants for me, but I know that He loves me and will not leave me, even (and especially) if I end up with a broken heart.
I may get hurt. I may end up weak and guarded. I may be treated poorly and in turn want to lash out at Him for allowing me to fall for you. But I know that’s not His intent. I know that anything good in this world must come with difficult times; I know imperfection and sin are everywhere, and yet I still believe.
So I will move forward to you with confidence. I will love you fully, like my God loves me, because that’s what this life is all about. And I will no longer worry about the outcome. He is with me. And so I will freely fall into you.