You Need To Let Me Leave

Anna Demianenko
Anna Demianenko

There is something pulling me, a driving force that I can’t quite explain, even when I try. It’s like there’s this bigger part of me that knows better, that knows as happy as I am right now, I still need to wander. I need to throw my life off balance; I need to discover something that I haven’t yet.

I need to go. I need to change. I need to chase dreams. And you need to let me leave.

I am allowed to leave; I know this. I’m allowed to walk away anything that doesn’t feel right, any situation that isn’t comfortable, any part of my life that isn’t what I need. I need to leave this, us, you. And I’m sorry, but you have to let me.

This isn’t about you, but what’s buried in my heart. These are the dreams so big, I’m sometimes terrified to speak aloud. But these are the dreams I’m longing for, so deeply.

This is about my life and how I must grow beyond these boundaries, beyond these walls, beyond this city. I need to step outside of what I’ve known and learn who I am when I’m somewhere new, when I’m forced to face my fears and decide, for myself, what I want.

You need to let me leave.

You need to cut the strings tying me down and set me free. You need to release your tight grasp on my wrist. You need to loosen the rope around my waist.

You need to let me make my own choices, my own decisions, my own plans. Even if they lead away from you, you need to understand that this is what needs to happen. That this is what’s best for me, and in turn, best for us. Because I can’t love you fully when I’m longing to run away.

I’m sorry that it has to be like this. That I am a woman with wandering feet and a heart too full to stay in one place. I’m sorry that I cannot be one you need right now, and that even though I love you, I must chase my dreams first.

You need to let me go, let me wander, let me find myself.

I can’t promise you I’ll come back to you, I can’t promise forevers, I can’t promise anything but the next steps I will take. And I know those steps are in the opposite direction from you.

Please know that this isn’t your fault, that there isn’t a single thing you could have done to change my mind, that this has nothing to do with you, really. I am just in a place of angst right now, of longing, of youth. I need to be set free from commitments I can’t honor, from relationships I can’t be bound to, and from lives that are not my own.

I need to do this for me.
And I need you to let me. TC mark

Marisa Donnelly

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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