Please Understand That I’m Sorry, But Right Now I Just Need To Wander

Manik Rathee
Manik Rathee

Leaving is something I need to do for me.
I’ve always been a runner; I can’t stay in one place.

Since I was a child, I believed that nature calls to us, that the world speaks in the whispers of the wind or the sun that seems to grace your skin, even when you try your hardest to hide in the shadows.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to be barefoot. To feel the rocks, the sticky mud, the blades of grass beneath my feet. As I grew, it became the pavement and my soles pressed against it, mile after mile.

I’ve always loved the way the air feels, entering tired lungs, or how you can close your eyes and get lost in nature’s sounds. I love the rush of an airplane, or the steady rhythm of tires on an open road. Or how you can find yourself feeling at home in a place you’ve only just discovered.

To me, traveling is uncovering another layer of yourself that you never knew existed, but always had an inkling it was buried under the surface.

I’ve claimed many places as home.
But now it’s my time again, time to start anew.

I’m sorry that I cannot be the patient child, the one who stays.
I’m sorry I cannot be the lover that makes sense, that’s consistent, steady.

I know there is so much earth left to discover, so much soft sand or hard ground for my feet to feel. So many people I have left to meet, so many lips to kiss, so many stories to write.

I never meant to hurt you in the process, never meant to make you feel like this dream was more important than the two of us. But maybe, in some ways, it is.

I’ve always known who I am, but this time I want to get lost, on purpose.

And maybe chasing yourself in circles, rather than standing still in love is the most important thing.

I want you to know I love you. And I always will.

No matter how far people wander, they always leave pieces of their hearts anchored in the places they’ve left behind.

That way they can always come home.

And even if I make thousands of new homes, even if I wander and never stop, you’ll always be a part of me.

And I’ll always be the girl who runs. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

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