I was having a conversation with a guy friend the other day that rubbed me the wrong way.
We were talking about the night prior, a little get together at a friend’s house where a person happened to be pulled over and car searched (the whole deal) right in front of the house. I had been hanging out, casually sipping on an alcoholic mixed drink for the few hours I’d been over there—nothing serious. But my friends, particularly my two closest guy friends, didn’t want me to risk driving home because they didn’t want me to get a DUI.
Now, I’m a pretty level-headed person. I knew that sipping on a drink over the course of time I had been wouldn’t give me a DUI. 1000%. But I still appreciated their concern.
They were my guy friends;
they cared about my well-being.
Or so I thought.
Talking about it the next day I was ‘enlightened’ by another guy friend, who adamantly shook his head and told me, “They didn’t want you to leave because they wanted to have sex with you.”
“You don’t get it,” he said, shaking his head and laughing at my apparent stupidity. “That’s all guys think about—sex.”
And honestly, when he said that to me, I was immediately enraged.
See, I have a hard time believing that’s the truth; actually, I know it’s not the truth. The guys that were concerned about me, were genuinely concerned about my safety, not whether or not they had a chance to score that night.
They were my friends.
And furthermore, they knew the guidelines of Friendship 101 (aka: not sleeping with your friends) and weren’t even concerned with that kind of thing because of the fact that we are friends.
What makes me mad about my guy friend’s statement is that in saying my friends just want to have sex with me, it’s devaluing our relationship, undermining it.
It’s saying that men are incapable of platonic relationships, of being friends with a female.
It’s saying that men are incapable of caring about anything other than getting laid.
And I simply do not agree with that.
His statement, in a way, is saying that my guy friends aren’t really my guy friends. That they all have hidden agendas, one thing on their mind.
And that they only saw me as one thing—a conquest, an object.
As a Feminist, as a strong-headed, confident woman that ticks me off.
I can understand sexual desires, impulses, all that kind of stuff. I can get that if a situation presents itself, a man (or a female for that matter) would be interested, regardless of whether or not you are friends.
But I truly believe that men are capable of friendships, of caring for a female without wanting to have sex because they respect that female and that friendship.
“You just don’t get it. That’s what guys want.”
Oh really, sex is what guys want? The only thing they want? You’re telling me that men are incapable of wanting anything else? You’re telling me that men have one thing, and one thing only on their mind…all the time?
I don’t believe it.
Yes, I get that sex can be a big part of the male mind (and female too). And we all get the urge to be sexual, to want sex. I’m not an idiot. I get that.
But I don’t believe that men see women as merely a means to sex, especially in a friendship.
I just don’t agree.
And furthermore, in my guy friend’s statement—what’s being said about me, as a woman?
He’s implying that I have no control in the situation. He’s undermining me, and my power. He’s basically saying that I’m just at a loss to these feelings that men have. That I don’t have a say in what happens, or how men view me.
I don’t agree with that either.
Sure, maybe men think about sex, maybe it has crossed my male friends’ minds before (I bet it has, isn’t that human nature? Bound to happen at least once to all of us?), or maybe it’s the underlying agenda (I still don’t agree, by the way). But it still takes more than a male’s desire to make this idea a reality.
A man might think this way, but if I choose not to acknowledge it, if I don’t see it, if I continue to believe in the good of my male friends, then nothing will happen.
If I don’t want to, then I don’t have to acknowledge their wants as a reality.
I have that power. That’s on me.
So you can’t tell me that this idea is a reality if I don’t entertain it as a reality.
You can’t tell me that the guys around me are trying to have sex with me because how can they be trying if I’m not entertaining the idea???
My friends, my true guy friends aren’t trying to sleep with me because they value me, value our friendship enough to not make that a reality, even if their so-called ‘uncontrollable male urges’ are tempting them.
And I’m not making it a reality if I choose to view my male friends as friends and nothing else.
I refuse to believe that sex is the only important thing to a male.
I know it’s not because I’ve seen it in my own life and my own relationships with guys that consist of hundreds of other things besides sex—genuine conversation, fun, doing things together, laughter, trust, etc.
Maybe I’m naïve to how often sex crosses the male mind. That I can admit.
But I know I’m not naïve when it comes to desires, when it comes to friendships.
I truly believe that at the core, males don’t just want sex, or see sex as the end-goal, especially in a friendship. I think that women are more than objects and males are more than people with one thing, and one thing only, on their minds.
I see ourselves as better than that.
And correct me if I’m wrong, but I bet I’m not the only one who feels this way.