This is Why I Can’t Settle Down Right Now, Even If I Met The Perfect Guy

Ben Seidelman
Ben Seidelman

Because I’m not lonely or empty or sad.
Because I don’t have this hole I need to be filled.
Because I’m not ready to give myself to someone else.
Because I’m selfish, both inherently and accidentally.
Because I love myself too much right now to put someone else first.
Because I have too many dreams that I don’t have time for an ‘us.’

I love the idea of falling in love. I love the idea of love. And I love, love.

I love loving someone else, so much so, that two independent lives become intertwined—see, I think that’s beautiful. Maybe I’m a romantic through and through. Or maybe that’s how I’ve always been, unapologetically. But I love the feeling love brings, the way it spins your world upside-down, the way it changes your heart, molds it so that you can’t stop thinking about, wondering about, daydreaming about another person. It’s beautiful.

But I’m just not ready for that right now.

I’m not ready to settle down for anyone, even for the Prince Charming on a Harley with a five o’clock shadow and a cute puppy under his arm (because that’s the dream, right?). Just kidding. But seriously, this isn’t the right time for me to fall in love. I’m not ready to put my desires in the back seat. Not ready to start planning a different type of life, one that’s less selfish and less independent.

And I know I don’t have to do that in love. I know that love isn’t synonymous with giving up yourself. It’s about meshing your dreams together. It’s about staying who you are, but blending your life with someone else’s. Losing yourself in another person but not losing who you are.

But regardless, when you’re in love, things change. You start having new desires, less-selfish desires, desires that you create and build and believe in together. And it’s even better than when you were alone, even better than you both imagined.

I know this. And I know there’s nothing wrong with this, but I just don’t want it.

I have too many things on my to-do list, too many places I want to travel, too many goals I want to achieve and dreams I want to chase. I have too many hopes for myself that don’t involve anyone else. Too many ideas and moments I just want to claim as my own.

I want to build myself, independently. I want to create my own foundation, my own pedestal and stand upon it, confident and proud.

I’m not trying to be better than anyone else, not trying to be a b*tch who believes she’s too strong to need anyone. I know I need people, and I’m not afraid to need people.

I just don’t want to fall in love right now. And that’s okay.

When the time is right, it’ll be beautiful. When the time is right, I’ll know. When the time is right, I’ll still be me, but I’ll be ready to let go of those things I want so selfishly right now.

Because I’ll have had the time to chase them.

By the time I fall in love again, I’ll be a person who’s become exactly who she wanted to be. A person who’s whole, complete. A person who’s worthy of falling for, who’s passionate and driven, who’s excited to fall in love, not hesitant and unwilling.

And that’s the person I want my future man to fall in love with. TC mark

Marisa Donnelly

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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Image Credit: Ben Seidelman

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