There are certain women who live their lives with the motto, “I don’t give a f*ck.” They stand proudly for what they believe in. They don’t take no for an answer. They do whatever the hell they want because they feel they have a right to. (They do.) And they are who they are, unapologetically, without the slightest concern for what anyone else thinks.
In a lot of ways, I admire those women. I admire them because I’ve always been the type of person who considers what others think as I make decisions, who worries about the ones she loves, sometimes more than her own feelings. Because I’ve been the woman who cares, even long after she should. The woman who loves people, even when they hurt her. Who doesn’t just walk away from people or relationships with ease, but keeps on fighting, even when there’s nothing to really fight for.
I am a big-hearted woman. I am a loud woman. I am a giving woman, a gentle woman, a bold woman. But there is one type of woman I will never be: one with a flippant attitude towards sex and relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I admire the hell out women who don’t take any crap. They are passionate and strong and bold and courageous. But I can’t, and will never be, an ‘IDGAF’ type of girl.
I have too much heart, to a flaw. In my relationships, I care so incredibly. When I love, I fall completely, fully, fearlessly. And when my heart is broken, I forgive, let go, and continue loving because that is who I am. Who I’ll always be.
It is not out of weakness. In fact, sometimes I feel that my ability to love is my greatest strength. It is not because I’m love-sick or fragile or terrified to lose the people and memories in my life.
But it is because I cannot be one of those people who turns off the faucet of her feelings, who can just stop caring with the click of a button.
I am passionate, emotional, stubborn, and driven. I care about the work I do, the words I write, the choices I make, the friendships I have, and the men I choose to love. And in the wake of all of these things, no matter the outcome, I still care. I carry the memories in my back pocket. I use them to become even stronger, to discover myself again, to be an even better person.
I am not a girl with a ‘f*ck it’ attitude. I cannot say ‘f it’ to love, ‘f it’ to casual sex, ‘f it’ to friendships, ‘f it’ to the person I am and have been my entire life.
I care too much. That has always been my greatest strength and weakness. I fight for relationships and I can’t walk away from friendships because I don’t want to lose the people that I’ve had in my life. I can’t just let things blow up and slowly sizzle out, like a candle burning to the quick. I can’t just watch what once meant everything to me drift to nothingness, become unimportant. I can’t be passive, letting people and memories and things I care about slip out of my grasp.
I can’t just sit there, throw my hands up, and say ‘oh well,’ say ‘f*ck it’. Because I am, and always will be, a fighter. Even if it’s a battle I might not win.
Sometimes I wish I could be that ‘IDGAF’ type of girl. The girl that speaks brutal truths without caring if they’ll hurt people around her. Who calls people out on their crap. Who stands her ground and can easily walk away when she’s not being treated right. Those type of girls have always impressed me. They don’t tip-toe around people. They live fearlessly and openly. They know how to stand up; they know when enough’s enough. And they know how to purge what brings them down out of their lives. For good.
Women who don’t give AF: those women are filled with strength and tenacity, the fire and drive. But women who do give AF are not weak in comparison.
I care. But that makes me powerful, not powerless. I’m sensitive. I think about what other people feel because I feel everything so deeply. But sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I wish I could say I’m done and turn around, turn away, cut people off, be flippant, be free.
But that’s just not me.
So I’ll choose my words intentionally. I’ll speak my honesty carefully. And I’ll love, even foolishly. Because that’s the type of girl I am.
I will always give a f*ck.