I Don’t Know If This Is The Right Time, Or The ‘Us’ For Me To Fall In Love

Yu-chuan Hsu
Yu-chuan Hsu

For all the nights we’ve spent talking, and all the silences we’ve been comfortable with, I want to live so much more with you.

For all the failures and damages that occurred, when you’ve made me a part of your present and I’ve introduced you to my past; I want of you for my future.

Because I think that I’m starting to love you more than I am supposed to.

You’ve jumped into my life an afternoon filled with music, doubts and broken noose. You’ve jumped and smiled and owned this part of me I thought to be dead. You jumped into my life and became my bad and good news, my smiles and tears, my reality and illusions. And still I want so much more of you.

So, while you’re here, I live with you. I care for you. I grow with you and bleed for you. Because you are in my head as soon as the sun barely shines, as soon as the stars invade the sky. I think of you night and day, when I’m working, when I’m swimming, when I’m with you. And I love you and I hate you! ‘Cause I can see what’s happening.

But this, you don’t know it…

And I let you do it…

I let you do it because I like too much having you, seeing you, being with you. I like too much the way you care, the way you dare, the way you stare. I like too much how you’ll notice that I am blue and how you’ll investigate to know the truth. How you will tease, push the thing a bit too far and apologize with a floating kiss. I like too much how you are here even if it’s in the alone time that I need. I like too much the way you talk, the way you act, the way you think.

I let you do it because for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m important and special to someone. I let you do even though I don’t know if it’s true. But you’re here and you’re supportive and you seem to believe in me for all the times I don’t believe in myself. I let you do because you’re attentive and reassure me discreetly when I shut down when you talk about another girl, letting show through the fact that it’s not “Her”.

I let you do it because you say you’re there if I’m down and come when I am. Because you say that you’d rather stay with me, peacefully, in the flat, than go out with that girl who wants to see you. Because you say the right thing at the right time, you say the truth that I hide, and you tease and get mad when I’m too stubborn and step back. Because you put me back in front of my responsibilities and call me out when I’m being a pain in the ass. Because you talk and talk so easily with me about those things way too hurtful for you. And you say that I’m fine, that we’re fine, and you plan a future I am a part of.

I let you do it because you do the things you’ve said. And your hand on my knee and your body next to mine, on my couch that we’re wearing out on those sleepless nights full of talks, in front of a movie we’re not watching. Because with your look on my neck your hand slides on my backbone and you notice those little things that I hide. And my hair color and that new piece of cloth I’ve just bought. I let you do because when I talk to those guys you suddenly come sit next to me and show that you’re here, being a part of something you weren’t included in.

I let you do it…

Because I’m already invested in you, way beyond the level of “just friend”. Because my dizzy sleepless me thinks of you as my other perfect half when those sleepless nights have no end. But no, you’re just a friend.

All this is getting dangerous because my moves and thoughts and words slide to quickly in the field of “more than this” and I am one step away from crossing that infamous line and kiss you the next time you purposely put your face too close to mine… the next time you tease me that way to catch back my attention… the next time you touch me that way to deepen the ambiguity.

Because I want to be the girl you fall in love with. Because I want to be with you. And I wish you want it too. But… is this the right time? Is this the right “us”? TC mark

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