To My Could-Have-Been But Never-Will

amyjhumphries
amyjhumphries

I really should learn my lesson. Really keep in mind, every time I see you, that the fantasies built in my mind are not what reality is. As, rightly, they’re called fantasies.

I know it really well, that I’m a dreamer building universes in my mind in which I can escape, forgetting for a while the harsh reality I live in. And I also know that this is not the right thing to do. What I didn’t know though, it’s that my fantasies would spread their claws towards you, immuring the idea of you in an interpretation flirting too dangerously with the line between reality and fantasy, even though all this felt really true.

We’ve met when you came at my workplace for a delivery. I’ve heard the door, I’ve left the back shop to welcome the one who had just came in, I saw you, and you saw me. And we “froze”. For a few seconds, we’ve stopped… stopped our steps, stopped our breaths and stopped the world. For a few seconds there was only you and me. For a few seconds nothing else mattered.

After a while, as the world was taking back its race, I smiled and said “Hi” while you were explaining who you were. You gave me my office order and left. And as I was shutting down the “butterflies” inside of me that felt more like the all savana running in my stomach, my colleague showed up and teased “Well, with that one there was something!”. I ignored him and went back to my stuffs, with you taking your roots in my mind…

And that was on. On with the stupid game of flirting in which I suck a lot, on with letting hints and huge smiles float in the air. On with the plans to see you as much as possible, going to your workplace and have small talks with you, noticing that we take the same road to go to our respective workplace and modify my schedule to be in the street more or less at the same time as you were. On with trying to let you know without showing too much, trying to see if you too were doing the same.

The game was on, and I tried my best to play it and make you understand that behind my shyness and subtle gestures you didn’t leave me indifferent.

We went in a kind of routine, where the same flirty things happened over and over again, without lowering but without growing either.

This went on for a long time. For too much time actually… The time for me to understand and to accept that, eventually, the feeling was going both ways. The time for us to miss the shot, if a shot there was.

Because you didn’t get the hints or got tired of playing the game. And in a way, we went in a kind of routine, where the same flirty things happened over and over again, without lowering but without growing either.

And I also got tired of playing this and waiting for you to make the first step. Tired of not knowing what the true situation was, tired of just writing songs and poems about you. Tired of making plans to just have glimpses of you, a smile, and a laugh and a look way too emphasized. Tired of following the same scheme I had followed with the others. I wanted to know if you too wanted more or if it was just fantasies built in my mind, like it has always been before.

That’s why on a Wednesday, at lunch time, I’ve dared. I got my stuff together and have dared to dare and asked you out, totally scared. Because it was the first time, because there was no guarantee, because I wanted this more than I have ever did before… So I’ve dared. For a few seconds I’ve dared to think that this could work. For a few seconds I’ve thought we could do it together, that you could be the one or, at least, a great one. For a few seconds I’ve thought it was a good idea. And for all the following ones I’ve regretted it…

Because the fantasies built in my mind are not a true reflection of what reality is. What I want is not what I’ll get. And make the first step was anything but a guarantee to have you.

So here we are now… Me, in front of the bittersweet truth, back in my former thoughtless-self, alone with your answer and the memories, with all the could-have-been’s but never-will’s and all these stupid fantasies that I loathe more and more day after day, and you, in front of what your life has always been, with your ego flattered…

Honestly, it was easier before this. The suppositions were sweeter than the facts. Deliberately drowning myself in could-have-been’s was dramatically prettier than being kept under water by the never-will’s.

With all my schemes and suppositions there is one thing I hadn’t predicted, it was for you to say sorry, but you couldn’t because your girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate it. And though you’ve been really nice (awfully nice preventing me to resent you) in your answer, I can’t help but ask… Why?

Why did you act like this? Why did you play the game? Why did I feel like a connection between us? Why did you let me believe? And why, why, WHY??!

Why? Well… Because it seems all this was just pure fantasy. I’ve fooled myself. It was only in my head. I was wrong. This was wrong. All these plans were foolish, these feelings were imaginary, you didn’t play the game and I’ve done it again. I’ve built again a world of fantasies where you and I found our real place, together. I’ve built again a world made of lies, songs and poems. And now I am just left here with the truth and with you, who clearly know how I feel. And nothing will change. You’ll just stay in my songs and in my poems; in my words and way too much in my head. And I’ll still see you and it’ll have to be alright. And I know that soon I will have to learn to live the way I used to do before: without the plans and schemes, without the hopes of more and thought of “us”, working.

And soon is now.

So now, it’s all about learning to live again as I used to do it before: without you. Now, I don’t talk about you when my friends ask me how my week was. I don’t say that I’ve seen you or tell them what happened, what was your reaction when you saw me. I didn’t run into you, nothing happened, there was no reaction from you.

It’s not even about learning how to live without you. It’s about learning how to live without the idea of you.

It’s about not leaving the house on the morning at approximately the hour where I know I may run into you on our way to work. Now, I will leave my place at the most logical hour to be on time at my workplace.

It’s about not going to your workplace especially when I know that you’ll be there, about not rescheduling for tomorrow or another day. Now, I will go to the place where you happen to work whenever I want, even if you’re not here.

It’s about not over-analyzing the things you’ve done or things you’ve said; searching for a hidden meaning, a hint, an opportunity I should have caught. Now, what may happen between us doesn’t mean anything, it’s only casual talks and civility. I’ll ignore the huge smiles and double-barreled sentences, the weird behavior and unexpected attentions.

It’s about not building anymore suppositions and fantasies about us, about what could happened, about what we could have been… but never will. Because you and me, it’s only simple hellos and smiles and nothing more. It’s not even a “you and me”.

And let’s be honest here, in fact it’s not even about learning how to live without you. It’s about learning how to live without the idea of you. TC mark

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