It was my usual date thyself day. I decided to buy ice cream from my favorite ice cream shop. When I entered the shop, my eyes sparkled upon seeing the “salted caramel” label and immediately paid for it. It was my chosen flavor.
Sometimes, I wonder if the other flavors feels not chosen, just like me.
I never really felt chosen, to be prioritized and to be the plan A, that forced my heart to start building walls to protect it from further pain. It started from a thin wall and progressed to a thick brick wall.
Layers of walls were built around my heart but my own emotions broke the wall that my heart built and everything was a disaster, I didn’t know myself anymore. I was vulnerable, weak and lost.
I was the girl “best friend” material, the bridge, the mayo that fills the space between the burger patty and bun, because I am all out and consistent, and offers everything but still not being prioritized, “the chosen one”, the lucky girl.
Sometimes, I compare myself to the person he chose.
I wonder what he sees in her but couldn’t see in me. l feel like it is my fault that he didn’t see me the way I wanted, maybe I was too girly, I was too loud, I was too focused with my goals, too moody? Maybe, if I was sportier, skinnier, smarter and more beautiful, maybe he would see me, he would choose me.
When you are not the Plan A, the priority or simply chosen, you feel unimportant, you feel disregarded, you feel as if you are invisible.
And no matter what you achieve, how beautiful your heart is, how wonderful your dreams are, there is a little voice at the back of your mind who believes that you do not matter.
This feeling still haunts me every day. It hits my corners of my body, which includes every nerve ending in my heart. One day, you started to look for proof that maybe you mattered once in your life, maybe someone chose you, maybe, you were someone’s plan A. Maybe, someone crossed the rivers for you.
But you got tired.
You stopped looking for evidence.
You stopped holding on to that little hope in your heart.
For the past weeks, I am not sure what made me feel this again. I found myself grieving for something that died a long time ago – my self worth.
I grieved for the times that I allowed myself to be the plan B, the alternative, backup plan. I realized that I didn’t choose myself too. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of someone else’s love, that I deserve the best kind of love. I was working hard to earn love, giving gifts and doing favors out of fear and insecurity and I wished to be chosen to determine my value and my worth. I forgot my real worth.
Just like the ice cream, in the eyes of the creator, all of the ice creams were the same; it was made with love, each flavor has its unique characteristic that made it special, carefully crafted by heart. It doesn’t matter if it was the best seller or the flavor of the month. In His eyes, it was all special.
I know someone up there sees my wounds, my tears and suffering.
In His eyes, I am His daughter, His artwork, His craft, His princess and I am proud to say that I am His Plan A, His priority and number 1.
It is clear to me I don’t always have to feel “chosen” to feel that I matter, to know my worth and value, it will always be a battle of self worth and doubt, a war inside my head. It will be a long journey, but I am ready for it.
Love, you need to know that you are chosen by Him, to live His teachings and to be an instrument of His love. You need to know that you matter. If you feel it in your heart, fight for it, do not let people determine your worth.
Be your own light, because the universe & heavens chooses you.