So you met a girl. She’s beautiful, kind, smart, and… she does this whole pole fitness thing. Wait! Before you fall head over heels for her, there are a few things that you need to know.
When you start dating a girl that pole dances you will learn a lot of new words. Not to worry when her pole besties gather at your place and engage in dark voodoo using terms like Biellmann, Ayesha and Rainbow Marchenko. On a good note, you are now able to tell regular Allegra from Allegra Extended even if you are woken up in the middle of the night.
You will not be happy with her callouses, pole burns, and bruises. Especially, callouses. Look, this bruise is shaped like My Little Pony, and that one looks like two humping pandas. Ah, and this is the burn from the rope that she decided to climb on the beach while walking back from the bar with her girlfriends. Either way, you’ll be expected to respect her aerial lifestyle and be ready at all times with a bottle of Arnica lotion on hands.
You will have to make space in your guy’s apartment to accommodate her exercise mat and yoga blocks, also leg weights and more yoga blocks. Also, her back roller and yoga wheel. And no, this is not from Hustler Hollywood, this is her yoga strap for flexibility training. You will have to make room for all three bins of her booty shorts and Pleaser heels — her equivalent of your workout sneakers. And her pole. Duh! This is a big one. Actually, you will be the one drilling it into the ceiling, but the amount of sheer gratitude you get once finished will make you a little happy careless boy again.
You will have an easy time picking her gifts. Just look how her eyes light up when she sees the new model of Pleaser platform shoes. Plus, there’s no such thing as too many pole shorts. In fact, you just made more space in the closet to fit all ten pounds of it.
When she says she is going to the studio at 10pm at night… You will be suspicious at first. That is until she comes back after midnight and leans in for a kiss. That smell. Up to this day, you thought it could only exist in a testosterone-packed room of 24 Hour Fitness on January 1. All in all, you will never need to worry about her whereabouts. If she’s not with you, she’s probably at the studio. If she’s not at the studio, she’s eating. If she’s not eating, she’s asleep.
She will talk about her muscles a lot. One day you’ll notice that she stole all your protein powder, as well as your BCAA, and that tub of amino acids that you never finished since you stopped working out and grew that comfortable Dad bod of yours. Somewhere along the way, you’ll start to suspect that her stamina and cardiovascular system are superior to yours. Sometimes her six-pack scares you.
She will sigh, “My middle split is not that good” when you try to go deeper.
You will learn the name of every Instagram filter, and to hold her phone horizontal for the video, and what the hell “Calendon” means. You will learn all of this and more. As part of your hands-on Insta training, you will be required to take snaps of her needlescales in canyons, backbends by waterfalls and splits wherever you go.
One day you will accidentally walk into the room when she is dancing to her own jam, chrome heels and all, and you will ask yourself, shocked, who is this person that you are dating?
You will become more than a significant other. You’ll be her coach when she needs a spot. Her chiropractor when she pulls her adductor longus. Her therapist when she hits a plateau. Her nurse when she “hurt something” after a pole fail. Her videographer when she needs to “capture this trick she just nailed”, and her cheerleader when she summons the courage to perform in a student showcase.
Much to your surprise, you will find yourself telling her to cover up when previously all you ever wanted was for her to drop all her clothes pronto. She will get crazy comfortable with her body to the point where it starts being uncomfortable for everybody else. Because the new her shows up to work dressed as if she’s going out. When she’s going out, she’s dressed like a sheik’s honorary concubine from One Thousand and One Nights, and at all times she ends up being the least dressed person in the room. Don’t worry, you will get used to her ever-shrinking amount of clothing. Soon.
You will accompany her to every neighborhood adult entertainment joint where she goes to “research new moves” as well as to every amateur pole night in the town where she performs on her ever-evolving path to pole stardom.
All of her girlfriends are hot. Like, they stepped from the pages of Cosmo hot. You’ll hear her explain to somebody that they just “embraced their inner goddess.”