There is this moment, a very familiar moment, that all people who think of themselves as sad stories know by heart. It is the moment of the worst kind of sadness.
It is not the moment when you cry a river or feel so angry you want to smash someone’s head or maybe even your own into a wall. It is not the moment when you crawl into bed and stare at a wall for god only knows how long. Rather, it’s that one moment where you just feel tired, too tired to even complain.
It is this one moment when it all hits you and you are back again to that dark place. You have been here before and you are here now. Back into your worst nightmares. To all the reasons you ever wished to give up and now it is exactly what you wish for. To give up. This time with no return. This time you won’t even look for a way out. This time you can’t even push yourself to want an out. This time you are really tired.
It is this one moment where you realize people have always lied to you. They used to tell you to always think that this moment is preparing you for a future moment. That bad experiences today saves you a lot of hassle tomorrow.
They let you think that sadness is a weapon in disguise. They let you believe that time heals all wounds, that you eventually get better at it. It’ll be a less level of sadness every time with a lot more coping.
But you are here again in that place where sadness hits you from anywhere and everywhere and the fact that you have been here before doesn’t make it better. It doesn’t make you feel less anxious. It doesn’t pull the covers on your body and let you sleep tight.
It actually keeps doing the exact opposite, because now you know.
Because of the fact that you have been here before, you know exactly what it took you to get out. You know the battle, remember the shed blood and the shredded soul that you are still trying to collect. You know what you have lost and who, even after a million years, time could never bring back.
You are in that moment again and you are not sure you are ready to go through this. You are not sure you can fight that fight again. You are full of doubts if it’s even worth it.
You ask yourself why you should break the cycle of sadness in the first place if you always end up sad again eventually. If you always come back to the zero point, always returning to your worst version.
And I understand, dear. I get where you are coming from because I have been asking the same questions myself. I have been wondering why I should get back up only to be knocked down again later, but let me tell you something.
I understand someone might have told you that this sadness is a preparation for a stronger you, that one day all your pieces will be back in place like nothing has ever happened.I understand that they are wrong.
I understand that certain things, certain moments, certain losses and certain sadnesses change you; you are never the same. It is one of those sad facts we need to tell ourselves to move on. To accept this life is as beautiful and as harsh as it is sometimes.
But let me tell you that sadness does make you stronger in a way. In the way where you become more compassionate with others, and in the way where you push yourself out of its walls that surround you despite all the weakness you feel because of it.
In the way you look happiness in the eye after your deepest sadness knowing how to appreciate it, how to never let it skip from your hands until it has made you feel something, because now you believe in Murphy’s law and that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. You’ve learned you can’t hold anything in place but you shall try to use things well while you can.
Let me tell you that you should know better, that you of all people should welcome sadness like an old friend. Because of how you get better at dealing with it? Never. But because you of all people have saved yourself a thousand times before today, and though it still and probably always will make you sad, and though it still and probably always will use your very last drop of energy, you will know how to get out of this maze.
You will know how to greet that old friend but still insist on saying your goodbyes, because you are too brave to let this sadness defeat you or overstay.
Because you deserve to fight for the better ups in your life, no matter how long the downs seemed to last. You must never forget that this too shall pass, for you will always be there to make sure it does.