A wise man once told me it is important for us as humans to know that we are capable of love. Just knowing that can sometimes give us courage to be better, to grow more kind and to have more compassion. I never forgot that man’s words because when he told me this I was already half way into loving him and by the time he finished I had totally given in.
I don’t think you remember saying that. I don’t even think you should. But I know I do. I know I remember it just like I remember everything we have been through and I used to be terribly sorry for my dedicated memory. I used to blame it every day because when it remembered you, when it played videos of your laugh, your words, your touch in my head I only felt like it was dedicated to torture me. But I haven’t thought like that in a while.
You see, I knew that relationships end. I wasn’t the first one and I’ll certainly not be the last. But knowing this fact doesn’t make it hurt any less. When someone with whom you imagined a future becomes nothing but a past memory, this is painful.
This means doubting your choices. This means reconsidering your plans. And the worst of all, it means looking at your heart as it has been left like an abandoned child who no longer has shelter and only has a memory of what his mother looks like.
It is painful because memories don’t bring people back. It is painful because what you once were doesn’t deny what you became and makes it worse that I haven’t changed like you did.
I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not going to say I wasn’t hurt. I’m not going to say that after we ended I didn’t recur to all people, didn’t ask all the questions, didn’t read all the books that could help me with the pain. I’m not going to tell you I sometimes didn’t want an answer for my questions as much as I wanted them to stop. Just stop. Like I didn’t want a closure as much as I wanted peace of mind.
I am not going to lie to you. I tried my very best to get over you. I did like I was told. I stayed away from you. Deleted the photos. Didn’t reread the messages like I’d have done usually. And I have to tell you it works in a way. After a while I didn’t think of you as much. You were no longer always on mind.
I have to tell you when you don’t think a lot about something or someone it’d rarely haunt your thoughts back. It is funny but I only thought that maybe one is not that important to have even the memories’ attention.
I have to tell you that all these distractions worked very well with me but honestly speaking there was always a part of me that couldn’t believe it. That wanted us to resume what we had. All the love I felt, all the caring you have shown couldn’t easily end to me. It meant something, didn’t it! It meant something and I wasn’t sure I could get over that.
But you know, as crazy as it sounds, I remembered the famous Albert Camus’s quote which is I recognize only one duty, and that is to love. I believe it led me somewhere I didn’t think of before.
It led me to the realization that I used to believe I should get over you. That once a relationship ends you should run in the opposite direction of your lover. That you can’t let someone be in your thoughts if they’re not in your life. But it led me to ask myself why!
Why would I want to delete a part of my life? Why would I want to deny the deep feelings I have for someone or something? Why would I want to remold facts or change my beliefs only because you left?
It led me to the realization that I had been happy with you. That I loved you like I never loved before. That I was true. That you were true. That pain was only as strong as my love and that means it was huge and that, like many things in life, fates change.
That what we had wasn’t the best of things and wasn’t the worst either but we had something. You can always choose to either cherish how it was or keep regretting things you have no hands in.
I know I have been sad. I have regretted being vulnerable. I have missed you. And I will keep on missing you. But I no longer blame myself for it. I no longer find missing you a bad thing. I no longer judge myself for wishing to run into you and for still catching myself worrying about how you are and how life is with you.
Because I came to realize that things that mean something shouldn’t frighten us. We needn’t let them turn into nothings. Because this shows we cared. And yes I can’t learn how to get over you but I no longer want to. I no longer want to get over whatever touches my heart because it means I have a heart and what do I gain if I deny that!