Remember this one story you had and didn’t know quite how to explain.
That guy who came and left with something behind much less than pain but yet more than something to be forgotten.
That too made you the one you are today.
He smelt like warmth and you were always cold, but not before you met him though. You needed him and you liked that you needed him, you must admit, there was nothing in the world you wanted more than his arms being wrapped around you making you feel his presence, making you feel as if you are his child. For once you didn’t care that you are being obsessively taken after because for this once you felt that you were something and you were, but for all the wrong reasons and that’s why it didn’t last.
You can’t always blame men and this time you two were wrong but more than wrong you were vivid and ambitious and adventurous and nothing describes youth more than that – you were young and love sparkles in the eyes of the young and that’s what happened, you were fascinated by an idea, an idea that you thought you could easily bring to life, but it’s not that easy girl and you had to go through this story to find out.
You didn’t love him like you should have neither did he, you too only loved the romanticism you were living, the story envied by everyone you know and even you almost believed, you loved his perfume and he loved your hair, you loved his smile and he loved the sparkle in your eyes but you didn’t love that his favorite movie was Shawshank and he didn’t love that you had no favorite book because you don’t like to read, you didn’t love that he used to spend hours before sleep thinking about his dream career and he didn’t love that you used to befriend new kids at school just so they want feel alienated, you know why you didn’t love any of those things, because you didn’t care to know, because this stuff are deep and your love wasn’t that deep at all, it was shallow and dreamy and easy and trivial at times and mostly it didn’t fit in how love is like, it lacked truth.
You remember how you used to have fights over the most trivial stuff there is but you didn’t mind because your concern back then was to have love in your life but not the other way around. You’d fight with him over the girl whom you’ve seen talking to the day before and this fight was inexplicably repeated and not once have you stopped to face yourself with the fact that when a man is in love, like really in love, he sees no other women but his own and how in real love this jealousy gets predominated with trust (not that jealousy goes away but it calms down a little) but again what you too had was not love, it was nothing more than a perfect imitation of what you two see or hear of love, you did so good you almost fell for it but for every play there’s an end and your play had to end this way before it got too silly.
I know how you could not believe when he came and told you this isn’t working and as a part of your imitation you dramatically called it your first heartbreak but not until you admitted that this was not love that you could see what your feeling truly was, it wasn’t your heart broken, it was more of your ego and more of your fantasies, like you kept asking yourself how after all we’ve had, we seemed so good for each other, what did I do wrong and is it the way i look or maybe I was pushy at times or maybe there’s another girl in his life but dear once you stopped this, you realized that it had to stop, you realized that you might have been selfish at times, forcing things to happen regarding not that love can’t be forced, never was, never will, and no matter how good you look and no matter how many things two people might have in common this gives no necessity that love must work between them, you realized that what you thought you had was not much actually or at least not enough to make you lovebirds, friends maybe but not lovers .
You realized that in love you must want someone more than you need him and that loving someone “just” because he has everything together is something and loving someone despite his mere clumsiness and messy look and remote characteristics from whatsoever your alleged criteria for love is something totally different, something more real.
The love that started for all the wrong reasons and ended for all the right reasons was a beautiful lesson, was a step towards your emotional maturity and a mistake from which you shall learn to know that if our time on this earth is so little faking love shouldn’t take much of it and as my mother says it’s either something real, something that you feel from the bottom of your heart, that you feel from head to toe, conquering your skin and seen in your eyes, smile and gestures and making your breath taken away on the sight of the one you love still with the feeling of emptiness in your gut filled once he touches your hand, it’s either this safety after feeling so weak or nothing at all, nothing if this nothing would mean that you only settled.