What it means: Truthful, honest.
As in: Be soothfast with me, bro: did you drunk-eat my Pringles last night?
What it means: A mania for writing love letters.
As in: How are things going with Greg?/ Oh, we broke up. I think he has erotographomania./ Oh my gosh I’ve heard of that — it’s like gonorrhea but worse, right?
What it means: A spoiled child.
As in: Want to go to the pool?/ No!/ How about we watch a movie?/ No!/ Are you hungry?/ No!/ Well then what do you want to do?/ iPad!/ iPads are for grown-ups, you mammothrept.
What it means: To execute by impaling on stakes or hooks.
As in: You picked up our dinner from Trader Joe’s instead of Whole Foods? What do I look like, one of those flash-in-the-pan yoga-lovers who try to pass bargain brands off for Lululemon? I will ganch you if you ever shop at Trader Joe’s again, do you understand me?
What it means: Lead pencil.
As in: Pop quiz, suckers, Scantron style! No. 2 keelivines only!
What it means: A sharp slap.
As in: Nice whisternefet, buddy! You show that Franzia who’s boss!
What it means: Looking for an argument.
As in: Are you kidding me? Harry Potter is far superior to Star Wars./ Ha! You wish. I’d put my money on Obi Wan over Dumbledore any day./ You’re kidding, right?/ No way. The Force is much stronger than some dumb “wand” that can supposedly perform “spells.”/ Now you’re just being diversivolent.
What it means: Sadness due to being stood up by one’s lady.
As in: Why has Joe been karaoke-ing Jewel songs all night?/ Give him a break, man, he’s super lasslorn.
What it means: To wink.
As in: This one time, I saw John Stamos on a plane, and he totally palpebrated at me. Swoooooooon.
What it means: Taking pleasure in others’ misfortune.
As in: Have you noticed how all of Maury’s shows revolve around paternity testing?/ Yeah. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he engaged in the epicaricacy of it all just for fun./ You don’t know any better./ Hey, Maury’s not like that, okay?
What it means: To leave hurriedly, suddenly, or secretly.
As in: Where are we going, Fraulein Maria? It’s the dead of night!/ We must absquatulate to the Swiss Alps, children, where we can sing and dance and have puppet shows forever.
What it means: Backwards.
As in: You bought your wedding dress before he even proposed? The one you Pinned last week?! That’s positively widdershins! Brilliant, but widdershins!
What it means: A big, fat lady.
As in: It ain’t over till the fussock sings.
What it means: Weak in the loins.
As in: So did you and Scott hook up last night?/ Ehh, he was a little elumbated, if you know what I mean.