The Various Ways I’ve Been Friend Zone’d

This may or may not come as a shock to you considering my unabashed affinity for obscure reality television, but I’ve never had a boyfriend.  Not for lack of trying, mind you; I’ve got plenty of boy friends — i.e. friends who are boys—who would make excellent companions, which is likely why I have harbored crushes on most of them at one point or another in our friendship.  Unfortunately, the feeling was never mutual — by some cruel design, it seems I’m destined to live in an episode of True Life: I’m In The Friend Zone.

The only good things to come out of my circumstance are the stories I have picked up along the way. Maybe I have a high percentage of weird friends, but most of them forego the whole, “hey, you’re really cool, but I’m not interested” route, opting instead for much more obscure methods of letting me down gently. From the vault of my life, I give you a sampling of the various ways in which I’ve been relegated to the Friend Zone.

Ryan

My downhill experience with dating all started with Ryan. We were in seventh grade, and he was, like, the cutest ever, except that he was dating someone. And by someone, I mean the hottest girl in school. Let me paint you a picture of my middle school self: I’m half Greek and half Lebanese, meaning I was swarthy and more than a little hairy (waxing was not socially acceptable at such a young age). I also had a very unfortunate haircut, some unshed “baby fat,” and no desire to wear bras. Oddly enough, this didn’t prevent my pursuing Ryan from the sidelines. I told anyone who’d listen that I had a crush on him, and — no shocker here — he eventually found out. He didn’t break up with his girlfriend, but he did show up at my house on Valentine’s Day with a dozen consolation roses.

Happy Valentine’s Day, I’m still going to date my girlfriend. Friend Zone’d.

Kyle

My obsession with Kyle spanned the course of my high school years, which should have been my first indication that he wasn’t interested. Alas, I was unwilling to believe that things were never going to happen for us. The summer before our senior year, he pulled me aside and said, “every time my mom and I talk about the perfect girl for me to marry, we always talk about you.” Then he went to college and met the love of his life, a girl who he married last year (in case you’ve yet to deduce, that girl was not me).

You’re perfect, let’s get married — oh wait, I married someone else. Friend Zone’d.

Ben

If you read this site often, you may have heard of Ben — he lets complete strangers live in his basement. Well, Ben and I went to college together, and before we became best friends, I was straight crushin’ on him (if only because our friendship blossomed under a mutual love for Harry Potter). A few months after we met, we both showed up to a party thrown by mutual friends. We were totally meshing, having a conversation about some book that I probably hadn’t read but pretended like I had in an effort to seem perfect for him, when he stopped talking and let out a sigh. “Man,” he said. “I wish I could find a cool girl to date who could talk about literature in the middle of a party.”

You’re cool, we’re talking about literature in the middle of a party, but you’ve already fallen into the category of someone I address as “man.” Friend Zone’d.

Tommy

Tommy and I had a whirlwind non-romance. We would iChat for hours at a time every night and hang out several times a week, which indicated to me that he was interested. For months I was sure he would ask me out, and during one of our iChat sessions, I thought he was actually going to pull the trigger.

“What would you do if there was this girl you liked but didn’t know how to ask her out,” he typed. I thought he was being cute; that I was the girl he liked.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I guess just ask! I’m sure she’ll say yes :)”

“Really? Ok cool, there’s this girl who’s a sophomore that I think is really great, blah blah blah…”

I’m going to spend all my time talking to you and then ask for dating advice because we’re just buddies. Friend Zone’d.

Jonny

I’ve saved the best for last. Jonny was (and still is) a Latino demi-god, part rebel-without-a-cause, part Antonio Banderas circa this photo. His hair alone was worth the months of unrequited interest. The two of us were out at a bar one night my junior year when he suggested we “go home and watch a movie.” Oh yeah. I knew what that was code for — “let’s go home and make out.” We walked back to my place where he proceeded to recite poetry in Spanish and suggest we share some popcorn (both of which certifiably fall in the canon of pre-make out rituals), and then: he fell asleep. As in, he went to sleep sans making out with me. The next day, I told one of our mutual friends the whole story and she looked embarrassed. “What,” I asked. “Well,” she started, “Jonny told me he only wanted to go back to your place because he needed to poop and didn’t want to do it at the bar.”

Let’s go back to your place so I can sing you to sleep with Spanish Poetry… but mostly just poop.

Friend Zone’d. TC mark

image – Steve Snodgrass

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  • Sophia

    LOL, i loved this. please write more.

  • Saruhscreams

    This is actually really funny, even though im not quite sure why im deriving pleasure out of your suffering. I like your writing style! 

  • Jay

    I can’t tell how much I enjoy your writing Wakim! This was superb hahaha

  • notholdencaulfield

    I feel ya.

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    I say this, or am at least attempting to say this, in the most endearing way. You’re adorable.

    Also we should go out to dinner sometime. There, obligatorily sans friend-zoned invite!

  • Shelly

    Story of my life :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/leianne.tan Leianne Tan

    hilarious! guys will definitely dig you for your humour :)

  • http://twitter.com/robwoh Robert Wohner

    Between this, how to be a better slacker and how to manipulate men via text, I’ve honestly never gotten a crush on a woman because of her writing style before. Maybe you and Harper Lee. Anyway, very funny. 

    • http://baileypowell.com/ B

      “Hey Marielle, I really like your writing”*an hour later*

      Friend Zone’d.

  • guest

    This was great! and A lil sad, but this happens to every one, I’m sure one day you will friend-zone some one too…

  • Anonymous

    There! It happens to girls too. I have to share this with people who didn’t believe me before.

  • Librarygirl2011

    Nice to know I’m not alone.  It just seems to get worse as I get older – like the last one pursued me, THEN after a year and a half of long distance correspondence I fly to visit him and despite kisses, hugs, confiding in me and lingering looks to the contrary, yep…Relegated to the friend-zone.  It sucks!  I hope our luck turns!  Being called a good friend is starting to feel like a rather backhanded compliment!!!!

  • Christy

    Haha this read like a series of Liz Lemon flashbacks but with more bite. Dig it!

  • ASHLEE

    great piece!! thanks for this Marielle… story of my life, glad to know im not alone!!  ;) x

  • http://twoseconds.tumblr.com/ Jesse Vaughan

    Boom. Article of the year. #boldstatements2012

  • Guest

    Fuckkkkkk this is me. 

  • marielle

    Love this. And your name, too.

  • Natalie

    oh my god, this was fantastic.

  • Rishtopher

    Ryan’s story made me go “D’awwww”, but Jonny’s story made me kind of sad (though I did laugh at first).

  • ELC

    HOLY SHET SO ACCURATE/ TEAR INDUCING/ HILARIOUS 

  • Sarah Fusaro

    Poor you! It’s okay…  I was friend-zoned all the time. Your high school situation is almost identical to mine. “You get me like no one else. we talk for hours. Oh by the way I went to college and got a girlfriend and  you’re not her so bye.” I feel your pain! Here’s to hoping it gets better for you! (I did end up marrying my first boyfriend, years later in college, so there’s hope! :) )

  • Summer

    I, too, live in the friend zone. Depressing as shit.

  • http://twitter.com/whitefingr Robbie

    I hate to be ‘that guy’, but maybe you could have taken initiative and asked one of these fine gentlemen instead of waiting for them to make the first move.

    • Summer

      I have the same problem and I DO often make the first move and I feel like that lands me in the friend zone even faster. 

      • Veronica

        Exactly. Making the first move probably saves you a lot of the time spent crushing on a guy you’re not going to end up with, but it probably wont change his status as a guy you’re not going to end up with.

      • Darlene

        This happened to me. He liked me a lot. Then, when i told him that I liked him too, he bailed out. tsk.

    • http://twitter.com/alainalatona alainalatona

      I was going to comment and say the exact same thing. 100% this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002918059806 Nikki Lowson

    I live in the friend zone too.  Last time I was zoned was the worst by far…yes I made the move after much talking (and I thought flirting too) mortified doesn’t even begin to explain it..

  • Anonymous

    how bout that thing where you get friendzoned and she still insists on flirting with you all the time after that

    • Lola

      ugh don’t even.

      • Anonymous

         i just scoffed. i hate people like this.

    • Darlene Encinares

      been there. tsk. I had to cut off the communication because it was going nowhere.

  • Amanda

    OMG Jonny. That is so sad but so great.

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