Texting Your Way To Date #2

You are in the early stages of a brand new relationship, and you’ve been waiting to hear from the guy for four days now. It’s Wednesday. Hump day. Arguably the worst day of the week, and you’re exhausted. A few hours ago, you came home from work to a depressing, empty apartment, this morning’s oatmeal bowl still soaking in the sink and two unopened bills on the kitchen table (cool life). Suddenly, your phone vibrates. A text! Excitement and nervousness spring forth simultaneously, causing your heart to shoot up into your throat and your stomach to fall into your butt. You grab your phone and realize the text is from him. Took long enough.

hey you. what r u doing?

Hmm, what are you doing? Well, you’re sitting on your couch in sweatpants, eating cold pizza and watching several backlogged episodes of Extreme Couponing in order to make room on your DVR for Swamp People. But you can’t say that — he’d think you’re a total weirdo. (To be fair, you kind of are, but there’s no need to tell him so early on — at this point, it’d just be embarrassing.) Instead of revealing your strange penchant for reality television, you opt to take the intellectual route in an effort to seem deep and affecting.

hey! nm, just catching up on some reading. u?

You experience a brief moment of liar’s remorse until you remember that technically, you read the plot summary of each Extreme Couponing episode before watching it. So there’s that. Besides, it’s not like he’s going to ask what you’re reading — why would he care? It was meant as an innocuous, nonchalant statement, one that probably seemed equal parts superfluous and intriguing, which is exactly what you were going for. Logically, he should acknowledge your bookishness and then move on to answering your question.

cool. What book?

Crap. Ok, stay calm. You try to conjure up an image of the last book you read. There was a high heel on the cover. You were reading it on the beach a few months ago. What was it? Suddenly you remember that it was Chasing Harry Winston, by that woman who wrote The Devil Wears Prada. This is unimpressive; you decide to keep it to yourself.  What about before that? The seventh Harry Potter book (again). That won’t do either — what book threads the needle between a believable yet accomplished read? You want to seem unique and edgy, so you decide to go with what you’ve been told is an exotic classic.

Anna Karenina.

You have never read this book, but you kind of know what it’s about — someone named Anna Karenina.

oh awesome, that’s one of my favorites. Russian lit is my jam

You’re shocked — that book is Russian? Interesting. Moreover, this guy has read it? You clearly underestimated him on your first date — he didn’t seem like the well-read type.  Strangely, this newfound knowledge makes him that much sexier and thus more desirable — you are proud of yourself for managing to accidentally impress him, and while you want to continue this thread of conversation, you should probably quit while you’re ahead.  Definitely change the subject.

rly? No way, me too! we have so much in common.

You couldn’t help yourself. You want him to realize how perfect you are for each other. Besides, this conversation has to lose steam at some point. What else is there to discuss about Russian Literature anyways?

wow that’s so random.  What’s your favorite Leskov novel?

Oh yeah, other Russian authors — that’s what else. You read and reread the text. This relationship is doomed to end before it ever really starts. Leskov? You think. Who the hell is Leskov? Panic sets in and your heart starts to race — you’ve been caught red-handed. One of the Extreme Couponers just saved $2,348.74, but you’re so distressed that you can barely celebrate with them. You draft a few texts to send back, deleting each one in a fit of frustration. Just as you are about to send a text revealing yourself as a sham, you remember: the Internet exists. This is still salvageable — you can do this.

You fling yourself off the couch and sprint into your bedroom, plopping down in the chair at your desk. Once you’ve woken your computer, you open a webpage to Google and type “Leskov Russian Literature” into the search bar. It takes a moment for Google to load your five million results and you scan the top hits. Wikipedia comes to your rescue — you skim an article about Leskov and then hurry back to your abandoned phone, hoping that whoever wrote the wiki-article didn’t make most of it up. 11 minutes have elapsed.

sorry, was at the end of a chapter in AK and wanted to finish! Sooo good!  Anyway, I would have to say that of Leskov’s stuff, The Rabbit Warren is my favorite, closely followed by The Tale of Cross-eyed Lefty from Tula and the Steel Flea. But I find his existentialism a little tiresome on the whole.

You read it over again after hitting send, wondering if he’ll buy it.

righteous. We should do dinner this week.

Boom. Date number two is in the bag. Thanks Dostoyevsky, you think. Wait, who wrote Anna Karenina again? Whatever! TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/careuhsellxo Angela Joyce

    lmfao “thanks Dostoevsky!” made me laugh hysterically.

  • Brooke

    Ahahaha, I once caught a guy lying about having read Cormac McCarthy to try to impress me. It didn’t last.

    • LP

      Well at least he tried :P

  • Anonymous


     What about before that? The seventh Harry Potter book (again).” THIS IS SO ME except for the fact that I take pictures of the chapter im in and send them to boys via whatsapp, NO REGRETS
    i will marry whoever plays along with me when i say “accio -insert person’s name-” 

  • Sara

    LOL
    i once lied about listening to Dream Theatre.
    Fucking DREAM THEATRE! who listens to that shit anyway?

    • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

      I have an ex who loved Dream Theatre. When I discovered he’d downloaded some of their songs to my computer I thought, “let me give this a listen and see what it’s all about.” That promptly turned into, “wtf is this shit?”

      • http://twitter.com/alalalex alex

        .. I kind of like Dream Theater.

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    Crime and Punishment is legitimately a great book. Russian lit ftw.

  • http://twitter.com/robwoh Robert Wohner

    Hey, people can’t throw Anna Karenina like that around in casual conversation. It’s really a great book. 

    I’ve never actually seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Fight Club or American History X. But I’ve discussed each one at length trying to establish my cinematic sensibilities. I’m still meaning to get around to them. 

    • Svein Roger

       how do you expect ppl that havent read the book to have the understanding and respect for it to not lie about having read it?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=539592740 Viktoriya Gaponski

    I always get 2nd dates by throwing Kama Sutra into the currently reading text

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I had a guy who claimed he had read everything by Tom Robbins to impress me. Which fell apart when I actually ASKED what he liked about Still Life. Laaaame.

    • Asdf

      “Yeah! Tim Robbins! I’ve totally read everything by Tim Robbins. But as they say, you’ve read one diatribe, you’ve read them all.” 

      “Tom Robbins.” 

      “Oh… *forever arone face*”

  • Anonymous

    You are going to be skewered eventually like James Frey on The Oprah Show.

    Not that I’ve watched said Oprah episode.

  • Asdf

    “Russian lit is my jam” — the only reasonable response to that is: 
     
    “i totes feel ya. i’m jammin on this mofo Tolstoy atm. that bitch ain’t got no shit on this Leskov mofo. we bone now?”

  • Guestropod

    I lied about having read some David Foster Wallace essay on my first date with my boyfriend but he asked a question so I had to be like ‘yeah, sorry… totally lied just now.’  He still wanted to go out again for some reason?  

  • dj

    Oh boy. This is EXACTLY what I needed to read on a blah morning. So funny.

  • Anonymous

    haha, I love this!!

  • http://twitter.com/wesjanisen Wes Janisen

    So funny and so relateable! Loved it!

  • Sophia

    this made me simultaneously laugh and cringe as I thought of the few times I’ve done this, and how awkward it’s gotten when they push the conversation. Great article.

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    I have to lie when I’m reading girly books too, but mostly music..
    I look it up asap and usually end up liking it, so it’s not like i totally lied.. but haven’t had this problem as much lately.
    I just ask them to tell me what it’s about.

  • Domino

    ahahaha it’s great how we pretend to be a lot more knowledgeable/smart/cultured/etc when still in the early dating stages…. it can be soooo exhausting sometimes. the lies, the lies!

  • alia

    omg please write more you are exactly what thought catalog should be <3 <3

  • Abhinav Chandel

    Haha, that’s wonderful :D

  • Darlene

    hilarious! i’m guilty of this.

  • :)

    Hm yes, yes I am guilty. If someone did this to me and it came up on the date, I’d find it charming rather than offensive.

  • Red Dracheck

    I can’t forgive you for getting Dostoevsky and Tolstoy mixed up. But I’m pretty sure I’ve done this, especially when it comes to some super underground indie music… “Oh you like Mesopotamic Life-force Bears Lovers? That’s like my favorite band!”

  • Rachael Cabral

    I laughed out loud multiple times reading this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=727725625 Tanya Eunice

    this was hilarious, i had this happen to me with/about modernist artists, to this day i have no idea what that is

  • http://mariellewakim.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/published-on-thought-catalog/ Published on Thought Catalog | Marielle Wakim

    […] Texting Your Way To Date #2 […]

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