A lot of people will tell you that “We’re really not that different from animals!” Beyond Netflix and advanced sewage systems, they might have a point. Animals may be more direct than humans when it comes to their needs. They like to use the term “biological” and humans like to view ourselves as emotional beings, encouraged by psychological wants and desires. When we are “fishing” (Get it? Get it?) for a mate, we change our profile picture, tell everyone we know, and get drunk at a location where attractive individuals are present. When fish want a mate, they do four things that eventually land them the fish of their dreams and they live happily ever after.
1. Lateral display.
The male fish makes sure the female is looking his way before he pulls alongside her and allows her to examine his goods. He stretches his body, swimming radiantly, so she can see him in all his glory. The longer the tail, the better. Nothing gets those female fish going quite like an extra long tail. The fish with the tiny tails often have more difficulty finding a mate. Dress to impress, strut your stuff. Best tail forward. Make sure you have something to bring to the table. You can start by cleaning out inside jokes from 8th grade in your “Favorite quotes” section of your Facebook profile.
They have to have a 360 degree view before they know it’s what they actually want. Maybe it’s a missed connection. Perhaps they were nervous. After the 300th lap they almost had the guts to say “Did you do something different to your hair?” but then they realized that that was stupid and circled back around for another shot. Perseverance is key. It might not work in the time being, but if it’s meant to be, they will swim your way.
Taking little bites at the other fish, as a means of flirtation. A little more and they’d be in sexual harassment territory. Humans do this by finding little reasons to touch the other person. “Feel how soft my hands are!” “I am SO cold. If ONLY I could get warmer somehow!” Nipping can also be seen in humans in the form of Facebook likes. They know that by liking your new profile picture, a little notification will pop up and they will see your face and name. “HEY! Remember I exist! And I like your face, by the way.”
Fish attract a mate by ramming their bodies into attractive lady fish. In humans, this behavior can appear in other forms, such as playful swats and small shoves. If affection isn’t reciprocated, just make your affection clear to them with an aggressive elbow jab or two! Sometimes you have to be more direct. You’ve shown them all your best traits and tried to convey your interest. This is the fish’s way of saying “HEY. I LIKE YOU. I THINK YOU LIKE ME, TOO. CAN WE BE A THING, PLEASE.” You also might have to be very clear with your intentions. Some people will be unsure as to whether or not you like them, even if you ask for their hand in marriage.
People say “There are plenty of fish in the sea” because they’re trying to cheer you up. They’re also trying to say “Hey. Life works out. Calm down and find your fish. Fish can do it, so can you.” Just keep swimming, humans.