99% of your twenties is trying not to be creepy or awkward and ruin the rest of your life. I know we should carpe diem and all that and approach people we’re interested in, but what’s that song by Christina Perri? I’m only human. You could be cool and confident and have fun pursuing a guy that you have a lot in common with and enjoy being around. OR you could decide that 6th grade is a safer frame of mind to live in. Even though a “Hey. I like your face. And the noises that come out of your face when you talk,” would probably earn you a proposal. Here are some lame excuses for not messaging someone that you’d like to make a themed fleece blanket for, around mid-December.
1. Sometimes I see him touching buttons on his phone, so he might not be as single as he said he was yesterday.
2. I have to try on this shirt that I bought online because I have to update my wardrobe if there is going to be a chance of us throwing words at each other’s faces.
3. I think I’m coming down with something. You don’t believe me? TELL THAT TO THE EMPTY EMERGEN-C PACKET IN THE TRASH.
4. He got over a hundred likes on his new profile picture. I’m not aggressive enough to handle all that competition. I quit gymnastics for a reason.
5. It’s too late at night. He’s going to think that I am lonely and was browsing through my Facebook friends list on a Friday night in the fetal position.
6. OR, it’s too late at night. He’s going to think I am finally gaining the confidence to reach out to him after a great night with the girls where we drank wine, watched Bridesmaids, and talked about the cutest boys in our zip code.
7. My skin is really bad right now. This isn’t a good time in my cycle.
8. I think I’m gaining weight. Like, two pounds, but still. I need to focus on my BODY before I even THINK about becoming emotionally invested in another human and feeling happy.
9. I already took out my contacts. I’ve retired for the day. What if I message him and he’s like “I like you too. Look out your window, I’m the one with the boom box.” No one can know that I’m not Beyoncé and I didn’t “wake up like this.”
10. I’m really busy right now. What if he thinks I don’t have time for him because I’ve invested time and energy into activities and organizations that are going to make me a more interesting human?
11. I have to clean my entire house because if he wants to hang out, I can’t have him smelling a combination of musty Ritz crackers and rotting bananas when he walks through the door.
12. I’m developing my game plan right now. I can take my precious time BECAUSE I’M WORTH IT.
13. I could never be in a relationship. I’m too lazy. I’m still on the email list for a company I left a year ago.
14. I don’t think he likes me. I think he’s just really friendly and probably works in the hospitality industry.
15. I just got a new fleece blanket, so I’m pretty content with life. I don’t care that other people snuggle with things that are warm and alive.