I was never really allowed to go to sleepovers as a child. Not because I was a juvenile delinquent, but because of my behavior the following day. Apparently, sleep deprivation brings on premature teen angst, who knew! As an adult, you might not schedule your stay at a friend’s house three weeks prior to the date, but most things remain unchanged. Here are 5 things that remind me that my bed is a superior place.
1. You have to pretend like you’re youthful. If you go to bed before your eyes begin to water, you’re doing it wrong. The actual goal is to be so exhausted that the only thing you accomplish the next day is microwaving a Lean Cuisine and creating maybe, like, 5 mediocre tweets.
2. A lot of people, including myself have adapted the attitude of “Oh, I can crash anywhere!” On a couch, on a futon, on a bean bag, on the floor, in a car. Oh, the places you’ll go! You’ll feel like the cool, spontaneous friend who can jive with any situation until you can’t straighten your legs the next morning because they were curled up in a chair the entire night and when you rise, you look a lot like Colin from “The Secret Garden,” standing for the first time.
3. Awkwardly waiting for everyone else to wake up. Waking up at 8:30, like “k.” RING, RING. Your internal clock says it’s time to wake, but the place is giving off the same vibe as the Adult Nonfiction section in the library. Contributing to all forms of social media is your only responsibility for the next three hours.
4. You have to pretend like you’re low maintenance. People will either find out the amount of time it takes for you to look like a real human or they’ll find out what you naturally look like when you wake up with yesterday’s smeared mascara. Both terrifying scenarios.
5. Using their bathroom. The first challenge, of many, is figuring out the lock. All you’re trying to do is protect yourself from a potentially embarrassing situation, but it has to be unnecessarily difficult. After assuming that the door was made in the 19th century, you have to pray that they don’t have some weird plumbing issues, like “Oh, forgot to tell you. You have to flush it three times, no matter what.” After looking around, you spot 6 towels that you could potentially use to dry your hands. You end up drying your hands on your clothes at the risk of using the towel specifically for their face.
So, who wants to have a sleepover?