EVERY DAY (just play along) I get the question “How on earth are you single?” They go on to say, “I mean, you’re so charming, talented, intelligent, witty, kind, maternal…” At some point, I have to break them off saying “Guys! Stop it! You know I’m single because I just have really high standards! Hahaha.”
Then, they are determined to find me a man. It becomes their life goal and I say “Really, it’s fine. I’ve been single for 22 years. If there’s anyone who could have a really strong emotional connection to Kelly Clarkson’s “Miss Independent” it’s me.
“There must be SOMEBODY!”
Cue Michael Buble’s “Just Haven’t Met You Yet.”
I have been in Stevens Point, WI for a while now and this is the break-down. There are 5 types of men that can be found in a college that is located in a small town in central Wisconsin. And yes, there are exceptions, but for now, let me have this.
1. The Midwestern Man
Do you own one item of camouflage clothing? Congrats! You’ve made the cut. Their dream girl loves camping with their entire extended family and star gazin’ in the back of their pick-up truck. They have a friend who boiled a coyote head in one of the dorms and they may have skipped class to go on a Canadian moose killing spree. Other hobbies include playing hockey, throwing darts at the bar, and taking a walk in the park with other Forestry majors.
2. The Bros
It is easy to spot them in winter because they are not dressed properly for the weather. They do not believe in scarves, gloves, or hats. When it hits 40 degrees, they can be seen outfitted in an X-Small Aeropostale t-shirt. In case you didn’t know, they’re captain of the club rugby team, but it’s no big deal. Hobbies include working out, working out, and taping beer cans to girls’ doors with their phone number.
3. The Dad
They probably work with student housing on campus and enjoy settling roommate disagreements. They wear Packers sweats on the regular. And they really want you to meet their mom. A date night includes creating the ultimate March Madness bracket and dropping subtle hints of a lifetime of happiness together. In summer, leisure time is spent grilling out and working as a volunteer umpire for Little League baseball.
4. Mr. Right
These men are perfect. They take out their girlfriend’s trash when she’s too stressed to function. They watch handfuls of romantic comedies, even if they hate Drew Barrymore. They know how to make dinner reservations, and when you’re sick, they lull you to sleep with an acoustic guitar cover of John Legend’s “All of Me.” They are also in long-term, committed relationships. This can be devastating, until you learn to expect it.
5. Gay Guys
They are beautiful. They are fabulous. They are gay. They will never love you.