I get it. You’re being all awkward and weird whenever he’s around so you try your very best not to screw things up by acting all composed and lady-like. Okay, unintended and unavoidable actions tend to happen when we’re around our crushes but I think you’re already going way beyond that. Like, way, way beyond the awkwardness.
You’re becoming a different person because you want him to notice you. You’re not seeing yourself in your own eyes but instead, you would rather see yourself the way you think he sees you. Come on. You’re better than this. You’re being consumed by the false notion that becoming ‘this’ girl would somehow make him fall for you because it’s what you think he wants.
No. He doesn’t want that for you. You’ve ruined your chance because you didn’t stay true to who you are and he saw through that, you know? You’ve tried so hard to impress him and that’s fine, believe me, but it got to the point where you’re not sure of what to do anymore because all you think about is how to get him to notice you.
I want you to stop this nonsense and cut all the crap.
You’re losing yourself!
You forgot what it felt like to be yourself and that’s what should matter to you more than anything in this world.
He never asked you to be ‘this’ girl. He never asked you to be ‘another’ girl. He never asked anything from you but to be someone who is capable of doing so much more than being this completely other person.
What you did for him is not going to be the same as to what you will do to another. Why? Because people are different. You will never find a man like him and he will never find a woman like you. We only cater to what benefits us and sometimes, what we do for them is what we think what’s best for them.
But it’s not.
Accept that what you did already happened and accept whatever relationship you have with him, friends or lovers, I don’t know.
Whatever he did that you might’ve done to make him be impressed, don’t do it again. Instead, do it for yourself. If he likes to read books, don’t get into reading just because he likes it. Read because it gave you something to do.
So when life gives you lemons, don’t give more lemons. Just make lemonade.